A Phew Philthy Phellows

Philadelphia is known as a great sports-town. Despite going on a major-sports-championship drought from 1983-2008, before the Phillies finally won the World Series, each of their four franchises have enjoyed some consistent success mixed in with some major struggles. And through it all, they have had some of the most outspoken and loyal fans in all of sports (notice that Jimmy Rollins is leading the All-Star voting despite only playing in 12 games all season due to injury).

As a Mets and Giants fan however, I don't have a lot of appreciation for these teams, their players or their fans. So admittedly, perhaps I am not exactly the most objective person to be writing about them.

The Phillies, in particular, have been riding very high over the past few years, especially taking advantage of the struggles of the Mets. Would they have won the World Series in 2008 had the Mets not pulled off yet another magnificent collapse? Probably not. Does that mean they didn't deserve it? Of course they deserved it...they won the games. But in the midst of all these successes, a few chinks in their armor appear to be rearing their ugly heads. But given the mature, unbiased perspective that I come from, I am sure they are just coincidences.

Philadelphia fans have long been decried as being classless and crude, perhaps even predating the famous incident in 1968 when Eagles fans booed Santa Claus as he took the field for a halftime show and pelted him with snowballs. But in reality, can Philadelphia fans be any worse than fans from other cities? In Los Angeles and San Diego, where fans are notoriously laid back, I've seen opposing fans get punched and had drinks and food thrown at them. Once I was hit in the head with a plastic soda bottle at a Dodger game because David Wright hit a homerun. So it must be that Philadelphia fans get a bad rap, and it must be a coincidence that it was a Phillies fan who recently plead guilty to starting a fight with, and causing himself to vomit on, another fan and his children because that fan had asked the vomiter and his friends to refrain from spitting on and using foul language around his teenage daughters.

As for the Phillies themselves, they've had some great success with the bats over the past few years. Long-time Phillies Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley and Ryan Howard, in particular, have become huge stars and carried them to that World Series title. Other more well-traveled players like Raul Ibanez have enjoyed the hottest stretches and most success of their careers with the Phillies as well. They must have quite a hitting coach, right? Or I guess it could have to do with the fact that they’ve been cheating for years (accused by many teams many times and then caught this month). Since their bullpen coach Mick Billmeyer was caught stealing signs with binoculars from the Rockies' catcher in early May, the team’s runs per game, batting average, and homerun totals have all dropped.

• Runs scored per game: Before - 5.40; After - 4.15; League Average - 4.48
• Homers per game: Before - 1.22; After - .85; League Average - .91
• Team Batting Average: Before - .273; After - .261; League Average - .257
     (Note: the Phillies have played 13 games since this incident.  7 at their hitter-friendly home park, 1 at the hitter-friendly Coors Field, and 5 at pitcher-friendly Wrigley and Citi Fields.)

After the Rockies spotted Billmeyer using the binoculars in the first inning, they informed the ump who told Phillies manager Charlie Manuel between the first and second innings to knock it off.  Manuel denied it was happening and the ump said he'd been spotted on camera.  Then Manuel said that he was just checking on his own catcher's defensive setup...they do that a lot.  The ump said no more.  Then the same coach was spotted doing it again in the next inning.  So he cheated, got caught, lied about it, immediately got called out for lying, and lied again.  And didn't even stop cheating! 

After the game, Manuel deflected the guilt away from his own team onto the Mets (despite that they weren't involved in this incident at all), saying the Mets must cheat because their home record is better than their away record (which incidentally, is pretty much standard).  He then said, "(The Rockies complained) Because we beat them… Keep crying."  Actually Charlie, I think they complained because they caught you on camera multiple times.  And because you have a reputation of cheating, just ask the Dodgers and Yankees during last year's NLCS and World Series, and the Mets many times over the last few years (all accused the Phillies of illegally stealing signs with video cameras).  Classy guy.

Last June, a small-time blogger wrote a piece about Raul Ibanez' incredibly hot start to the 2009 season and mused as to why the new Phillies leftfielder had had such a resurgence so late in his career. At the time he wrote it (June 10), Ibanez was 37 years old, had hit 20 homers and 55 RBI, with a .320 average in 228 at bats. Ibanez had only hit more than 24 homers in full season (often 600+ at bats) once in his 13-year career and his best batting average had only been .304. So among a number of possible reasons for this offensive explosion so late in the slugger's career, the blogger suggested such obvious explanations as the move to the hitter-friendly Citizen's Bank Park and steroids. Both were reasonable.

Ibanez apparently reads and responds to every remotely negative thing written about him on the internet (hi Raul!), so he called the blogger out and angrily denied the steroid accusations (that weren't ever actually made). So incensed was Ibanez, that he made national news out of a little blog piece that would have been read by maybe 100 people. The blogger had to appear on ESPN Outside the Lines the next day to defend his piece, and have noted newspaper journalists gang up on him and rail against his unprofessionalism and lack of journalistic integrity (note: he wasn't a professional journalist, but a fan, and never accused Ibanez of cheating. He only suggested that that might explain the numbers.).

How dare that blogger write what everyone was thinking! Incidentally, after that hot start, Ibanez went ice cold for the rest of the season after the "accusation," which must be a coincidence. His average had been 11.4 at bats between homers since coming to the Phillies. After June 10, that jumped to 19.4 at bats between homers. His batting average was .320 before and .232 after. This year? He's hitting .250 with 3 homers in 144 at bats (48.0 at bats per homer). So the facts that this guy was pointed out as going on the kind of heater that happens with steroid users, and then he immediately returned to his career averages after that attention was shined upon him, I’m sure that’s all coincidence.

So does that one player's massive drop in numbers after he's "accused" of taking steroids reflect on the team in general? Does the team's offensive slip since they were accused of cheating mean anything? Does that one fan's crude and disgusting behavior reflect on a whole city? Maybe not. Maybe they're all coincidences. And maybe it's a coincidence that it's all happening to the same team.

Maybe not.

Another Day, Another Miserable Heartbreak For One Sports Fan

Sports fans love lists. "Greatest Catches," "Best Superbowls," "Worst Draft Picks." And we love hyperbole (see above examples). And I am no exception. So it is not without self-awareness that write that I was thinking earlier about writing about the 5 or 10 worst days in my life as a sports fan.

Certainly one would be August 11, 2005. I assume Carlos Beltran and Mike Cameron would rank this one #1 on their lists. That was the day I was in the right-centerfield bleachers at Petco Park, about as close as anyone else on the planet when those two men blindly dove face-first into one another, ending their seasons and the Mets' hopes for the next five years (and counting...).

The list was a little too depressing to really put into order, so I gave up trying (Shawn Livingston's knee, Danny Manning's knee, Ron Harper's knee, Kenny Rogers' ball four to Andruw Jones, Beltran's strike-out looking against the Cardinals, when I realized Tiki Barber is an asshole, when Edgardo Alfonzo put on someone else's uniform, when Floyd Landis got stripped of the Tour de France, etc.).

Today would have made the list. It might have been #1. But I'll come back to that.

Quite a day Lance Armstrong had today. Not only did he have to worry about literally saving his face because he was involved in a nasty crash in the Tour of California and had to take a bunch of stitches in his elbow and more just below his left eye, but he is also trying to figuratively save face as well, as former teammate Floyd Landis threw Armstrong under the bus as an alleged cheater.

To be honest, I can't imagine Armstrong is all that perturbed about the allegations. He's heard it before. In fact, I would venture that no human being has taken more blood tests in any 10 year period than Lance Armstrong has in the last 10 years. So many people are so sure he's a cheater because his near-miraculous comeback from testicular, lung, and brain cancer to such unimaginable highs has been so...well...miraculous. But despite all the doubts thrown in his face, and all the needles stuck into his veins, he's never failed a single test. Not one. So Lance, please don't make a fool of me for believing in you.

I ran cross country in college and during my freshman year I had to have a surgery that I wasn't really expected to recover fully from. I'd be able to walk and run and exercise and have a normal life, but I wasn't really supposed to be able to compete at that same DI level again. No one ever had, but then not many people had ever had that surgery yet either, so "Why not?" I thought. Of course I never became a NCAA Champion, or a conference champion. I never won another race or ever placed first on my own team. But I ran again, and I was faster than I had been before, and I can tell you without any hyperbole whatsoever that I would not have been able to if Lance Armstrong had not risen from the grave and been winning Tour de France after Tour de France at the same time.

So maybe one day the story will finally break that Armstrong has been cheating us all along. And if so, I don't know what I would think. I couldn’t forgive him for cheating, but I couldn't exactly forget that he had inspired me so deeply either. But I pray that that story never breaks and that until the day after I die all there ever were were allegations and negative tests, because I am just about out of heroes. Especially today.

After Armstrong won his seventh straight Tour and retired, most Americans let professional cycling drift back into anonymity. I think I was lucky that I had found so much love for the sport, not just the man who had carried it on his back through terrain as tricky and tumultuous as anything the Alps ever threw at him. I knew in 2006 that the sport was still in good hands and that there were lots of guys to root for. More importantly, there were lots of Americans to root for. Levi Leipheimer and George Hincapie were (and are) true greats, but that year Floyd Landis was truly spectacular at the Tour de France.

Imagine all those French people who were so incensed that an American had hijacked their race and their sport for most of a decade had to see him retire only to have a parade of new Americans come in ready to take over the family business. And then Landis went out and turned in what I have, on many occasions, called the greatest athletic performance I have ever seen in stage 17 and went on to win it all. Another year, another American. Of course soon after, it was revealed that he had failed a doping test and Landis was stripped of the title. He fought the result for years, took it to the highest authority in the world and lost, and through it all, I steadfastly supported his claims of innocence.

On April 1, 2008, I wrote on this blog, "Floyd Landis finished his appeal to the arbitration court of sports and their decision is expected in June. From what I know of his case, I don't think he did it."

On June 27, 2008, after the test results were upheld, I wrote, "I am a big fan of cycling, and I watched every second of that Tour, and I have read every word of the case against him and the case for him (yes, even the famed slide show presentation). That guy is innocent. I don't care what the test showed on the day he pulled off the greatest turnaround in sports history. The test the day before showed nothing. The test the day after showed nothing, and what Landis is alleged to have done would still show up long after the initial day he allegedly did it. It also would have had no physiological benefit had he done it the morning of a race (it is a long term technique that had not long term presence in his body according to multiple tests)."

On September 10, 2008, I wrote again, "I still feel that Landis was innocent of the charges levied against him...".

So what happened on May 20, 2010 that makes this all relevant again? Why is today such a bad day for me as a sports fan? Because today was that day that after four years of vociferous denials, Landis came clean and revealed that he had been cheating for basically his entire career.

I guess it's easy to be cynical and just assume that they're all cheating. Baseball players, football players, cyclists, sprinters...you name it. It's easy to look at Albert Pujols' seemingly sincere declaration that we can all rely on him to be the clean superstar to lead all of us, a weary mass of doubtful devotees and former fans, back to the glory days of squeaky clean stars and believable box scores. But the more we learn, the less we feel we can believe it, and the more we see that it wasn't all so clean back then anyway; we just didn't have reporters willing to blow the whistle.

Athletes cheat. It's old news; I know. I shouldn't be surprised about Landis; I know. I am the last one to the party; I know. Everyone assumes our heroes are cheats and it's gotten to the point where they don't even bother to pretend to be disgusted when they first find out anymore. Sports fans are jaded. "A-Rod, seemingly the last great, clean baseball star admitted to cheating and lying about it over and over? Hmm. Well, he's my fantasy third baseman and I'm hurting for RBI's this week, so what did he do today?" Reporters are all on the hunt for the next scandal to bring down a star, but fans are just kinda used to it and don't bat an eye.

And as a sometimes-professional sports writer over the past few years, I have tried really hard to not become jaded myself. That's one thing I hate about working in sports...you have to look for angles and stories, you can't just watch the games and enjoy. I was working the day the Mitchell Report was released and I wrote the story up for CBS and created a slideshow of all the big names and local stars named. That was another of the worst days of my sports-fan-life, and there weren't even really any big surprises in it for me. But just that cold realization that THAT many people had been cheating and that it was probably just the tip of the ice berg…that stung me.

We have all seen seen some of our greatest champions (love 'em or hate 'em) toppled and defamed. Some lesser stars but truly beloved figures as well. Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Marion Jones, Andre Agassi, Ivan Basso, Ato Boldon, Ken Caminiti, Tyler Hamilton, Paul LoDuca, Erik Zabel, Alex Rodriguez, Rafael Palmeiro, Jan Ullrich, Dennis Mitchell, Tim Montgomery, Alexander Vinokourov, Julius Peppers, Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz.

I think what has helped me to keep from becoming completely jaded to all of this was that I hadn't had "my guy" get nailed. It's always been guys I hated (Bonds, Clemens) or just people who were big names, maybe even on my teams, but not my favorites (LoDuca, Vinokourov).

Maybe that's why when I read that SI article, I bought every word Pujols said. Sure athletes cheated, but no one I ever really loved so it never hit too close to home. But today one of "my guys" went down. Big time. And now I'm finally at that place where most fans seem to have been for years now. I don't know where I go from here because one of the ones I truly, truly believed was lying actually all along. Floyd Landis' admission of using performance enhancing drugs changed the way I look at things, and in my mind, added a lot of weight to what Pujols was already carrying.

Even today, Landis still insists that that fateful test back in 2006 was indeed a false-positive (ironically perhaps the only false-positive in a career of false-negatives). He says he did not use that doping method at that time and that the results from that week are not consistent with the results you would expect from someone using that doping method. Maybe that's true. And maybe I can still believe in that utterly spectacular day in Morzine in the Alps. But why should I? Not that he has any idea who I am or that what I have to say matters, but he doesn't deserve my belief in him.

How can we trust him when he says what he did or didn't do? For years, he's lied to protect his his career, so why wouldn't he be lying to protect the single greatest day of it? How can we trust his allegations against Armstrong, Leipheimer, Hincapie, Dave Zabriskie, Johan Brunyeel and the rest of the U.S. Postal/Discovery/Astana/Radio Shack family? Are these the words of a man finally coming clean or the words of a man trying to tear down his former teammates who had turned their backs on him in his failed comeback because he was a cheater?

All I know is that I lost, once and for all, one of my greatest heroes today. And I was one of the last people who still believed in him. And that's sad. He lied all that time and he made me a liar. And that's infuriating.

I can't imagine I could ever get to the point where I would actually, finally, give up on sports. My love affair runs far too deep. But I hate the idea that I am a revelation or two away from having to give on sportsmen. So Albert Pujols and Lance Armstrong, the clock is ticking. I figure I have about a half-a-century left to keep what may be the illusion that it is possible to be great and be clean. If you two are making me a liar too, just make sure they wait till I'm gone to publish the story.

Before, During, And After Manny's Supension

When Manny Ramirez went on his maternity leave early in the 2009 season, I thought it might be interesting to note some of the main offensive stats for the team and then see what kind of effect Manny's absence would have. At the time, the team was off to an incredibly fast start both with the bats and on the mound. I then recorded the same set of stats at the time Manny returned, and then again at the regular season's end. I wrote down a few hypotheses about what would happen and while a few were supported by the numbers, but I was somewhat surprised by others.

Predictions:
-All offensive statistics will dip dramatically in Manny's absence. Upon his return, they'll improve but overall the team will lose ground down the stretch after extending themselves to wait out the suspension.
-Andre Ethier will experience the most dramatic dip and then increase in stats since he has been hitting in front of Manny in the lineup and will miss that protection.
-Juan Pierre's numbers will experience a dramatic downturn regardless of Manny's presence (Pierre is hitting .346 at the time of the suspension). Playing every day will hurt him and he will not finish the season over .300.
-The pitching staff's hot start will come to a screeching halt as the offense struggles and puts more pressure on the pitching.
-Manny's post-suspension numbers will not dip dramatically upon his return. He will struggle initially after the lay-off, but eventually regain his form.
-The Dodgers' 6.5 game lead at the time of the suspension will initially be extended, but be erased by the end of the season. They may win the West, but not by more than 3 games.

None of my predictions were particularly ground-breaking. The common assumption was that absent of Manny's bat in the middle of the line-up, opposing pitching staffs would not be afraid to pitch to or around the other players when called for. When Manny returned, he might have rust to shake off, but he'd eventually become the fearsome hitter he's been for years. While some of this proved correct, there were some surprises.

Results:
-Juan Pierre held up far better than expected. Prior to the suspension, he batted .346 in limited, back-up duty. As an everyday starter for those 50 games, he batted .322 with 37 runs scored and 24 RBI in 245 at bats. He struggled a lot more coming off the bench after Manny came back (.281, 20 R, 7 RBI in 135 at bats) and finished the season at .308. But his numbers during the suspension probably saved the season for Los Angeles.
-Matt Kemp had a solid season over all, but his power was far better with Manny in the lineup. Kemp hit .275, 17 R, 17 RBI, 3 HR in the first 29 games. During the suspension, but he improved his batting average to .302 but only hit 7 homers in his next approximately 200 at bats. Then when Manny returned, Kemp's power numbers took a huge leap, surging from 10 homers in his first 291 at bats, to 16 homers in his final 315 at bats.
-Andre Ethier did struggle greatly in Manny's absence. Pre-suspension: .317, .76 runs/game, .93 RBI/game, about 15 AB/HR. Without Manny: .257, .38 runs/game, .52 RBI/game, 31.1 AB/HR. Post-suspension: .285, .63 runs/game, .65 RBI/game, 19.8 AB/HR. Even with Manny struggling after his return, Ethier was likely seeing much better pitches to hit, and hit them he did!
-Orlando Hudson's red hot start came to a screeching halt, but that probably had as much to do with the law of averages as it did Manny Ramirez. Hudson hit .342 prior to the suspension, .292 during it, and just .364 afterwards to finish the season right at his career average of .281.
-The team averaged 5.55 runs per game before, 4.40 runs during, and 4.81 runs after the suspension for a season average of 4.81 as well. Their margin of victory went from +1.90 (wow!) to +.58 to +1.02. They were +1.04 on the season.
-The pitching staff did not see any great change despite the increased pressure put on as the offense dipped. In fact, the staff ERA dropped from 3.72 before to 3.46 during the suspension. And if you think that could be attributed to the better defense that Pierre provided over Manny in left field (though Manny's potential errors would only lead to unearned run and not affect ERA), the staff ERA dropped to an amazing 2.75 over the final 83 games of the season! The season ERA was an ML leading 3.41.
-The team did struggle during the suspension, going from an over all winning percentage of .724 to .580. They were only 28-21 during the suspension after starting out 21-8. When Manny returned, the winning percentage continued to dip despite the amazing pitching and the fact that the batting average and runs/game all improved. They were 45-38 (.542) after Manny returned and finished 95-67 (.586).
-Their NL West lead was 6.5 games when Manny went out. It actually stretched out to 7.5 games when Manny returned, and shrunk all the way down to 1 game in the final weekend before stretching back out to 3 games at season's end.
-While Ethier had the biggest slide with Manny out (70 points), Rafael Furcal had the worst numbers. Furcal hit just .240 during the suspension. Furcal hit .293 when Manny returned, but finished the season a disappointing .269 with just 57 runs scored despite playing a full season (150 games played).
-Besides Pierre, Casey Blake was the team's biggest savior during the suspension. 33 or Blake's 79 RBI came during those 50 games. He hit .286 during the suspension (.264 before, .274 after).
-Russell Martin's superstar status seems to be a thing of the past. While he is still becoming known as a great game-caller, his offensive numbers are not good. He struggled before and during the suspension (.246 total BA with 1 HR in 248 at bats). He improved slightly after the suspension, hitting .253 with 6 homers in his final 257 at bats.

And finally, there is Manny Ramirez. Pre-suspension, Manny his .348 and hit a homer every 15.3 at bats. Upon his return, his batting average dipped 79 points (.269), and his homerun average dropped to 1 every 20 at bats (still impressive). With three times the at bats after the suspension as before it, he barely scored and drove in twice the runs.

The slugger's post-suspension numbers were nowhere near the astronomical numbers he had put up in his first nearly full-season with the Dodgers. His struggles have been attributed various things, like being upset that he was being booed for his steroid-related suspension, being distracted by the circus around the suspension, being slow to get back into the groove, etc. Announcers keep saying that Manny is almost all the way back and that any day now, he will take over.

It's been nearly 90 games since the suspension. It's not rust. He was booed for a decade before this drug suspension. It's not his fragile emotions. He's been in the center ring of his own circus his entire career. He's not distracted. It is pretty clear that Manny struggled after coming back from a performance enhancing drug suspension because performance enhancing drugs were not enhancing his performance anymore.

Maybe I am not so upset that the Mets didn't sign him, and that the Dodgers are stuck with his $22 million dollar contract for a 38 year-old defensive liability who'll be lucky to hit .275 and 25 homers next year.

The Jury Is In; Manny's Guilty

So the drug Manny Ramirez took was just revealed.

Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), is a women's fertility drug that is often taken by steroid users to help kick-start their natural testosterone production after they stop a steroid cycle.

So either Manny was inspired by the Octomom and wants to make sure he can still give birth even at his advanced age, or "Manny Being Manny" is a euphemism for 'roid rage.

Incidentally, Manny reportedly never asked for an exemption from Major League Baseball to use this banned drug for therapeutic reasons.

Slugger Cheats: Why Does Everyone Seem So Shocked?

I thought I was going to write today about how that Lakers-Rockets series exploded last night. I was going to rip Kobe Bryant, and Ron Artest, and Von Wafer, and Luke Walton, and Sasha Vujacic, and especially Derek Fisher. I was going to rip Lakers' radio announcer, Mychal Thompson, for saying that Fisher had "sacrificed himself for the team" when he made one of the dirtier plays in recent memory to level Luis Scola.

But now I guess I should write about how Manny Ramirez "sacrificed himself for the team." Because by Thompson's definition, "sacrificing one's self" means cheating and getting suspended, and that's just what Manny has done.

At this point, we know very little about this Manny-cheater story, but we know this: he took a banned drug and is out for 50 games, and he says the drug was prescribed for a legitimate medical condition.

Perhaps we should all withhold judgement on this one till we find out what the "medical condition" was, what exactly this drug does, and if the Florida doctor is legit (why are these doctors always from Florida?). But that ship sailed a long time ago for professional athletes, so Manny can kiss the Hall of Fame goodbye.

So Manny cheated and he's gone. And the Dodgers are left to keep the train on track until July without him. Just for posterity's sake, let's record some key stats at this point and see exactly what kind of influence Manny has on this team:

Record: 21-8, .724 (13-0 at home, 8-8 on road)
Standing: 1st in NL West by 6.5 games, 4.5 game ahead of the Wild Card, best record in baseball by 1.5 games
Runs per game: 5.55 (Manny: .815 - 2nd LA)
Batting average: .283 (Manny: .348 - 1st LA)
Homers per game: .83 (Manny: 6 HR - t-1st LA)
Slugging percentage: .426 (Manny: .641 - 1st LA)
On Base percentage: .376 (Manny .492 - 1st LA)
Orlando Hudson: .342, .793 runs/game, .586 RBI/game, .103 HR/game
Andre Ethier: .317, .759 runs/game, .931 RBI/game, .207 HR/game
James Loney: .276 .310 runs/game, .690 RBI/game, .000 HR/game
Matt Kemp: .275, .607 runs/game, .607 RBI/game, .107 HR/game
Rafael Furcal: .264, .808 runs/game, .269 RBI/game, .039 HR/game
Russell Martin: .242, .480 runs/game, .520 RBI/game, .000 HR/game
Casey Blake: .225, .500 runs/game, .536 RBI/game, .179 HR/game
Juan Pierre (Manny's presumptive replacement) is hitting .335 but mostly in pinch-hit role, so his other per-game offenseive statistics are not relevant.
Staff ERA: 3.72
Run Differential: +55
The Dodgers are currently 3rd in baseball is runs/game, 5th in hits/game (9.59), 20th in HR/game (.828), 2nd in BA (.283), 1st in On Base % (.376), 12th in Slugging % (.426) and 7th in OPS (.802).

At least ESPN stopped talking about the Thursday meeting between Brett Favre and Brad Childress (that apparently was never actually planned). Well, they stopped talking about it for about 20 minutes.

Seriously though, what the hell was Derek Fisher thinking?

The French Surrender Case Against Armstrong

Good news! The French anti-doping authorities have decided to not seek sanctions against Lance Armstrong.

If you don't know the story, last month Armstrong took surprise urine, blood and hair tests and the French were really, really sure they would catch him cheating this time. So when he passed all three tests, they got mad and said he faked the tests which had been done in front of a testing agent of their choosing.

While his people checked the tester's credentials, Armstrong hopped in the shower (he had just finished practice). The French were apparently going to claim that while in the shower before his test, he used shampoo to clean his urine, blood and hair of all the steroids, testosterone, HGH, THC, TLC, ASAP, NCAA, NAACP, LOL, USSR, WWJD and horse tranquilizers that he is taking. That's good shampoo!

They decided against the sanctions and apparently set Wile E. Coyote at work hatching his next scheme on how to catch Armstrong before he* wins their precious bike race again.

*or any of 3-4 other Americans reasonably likely to win.

Fun fact: Since Bernard Hinault screwed Greg LaMond in 1985 and then LaMond became the first American to win the Tour in 1986, Americans have won the Tour 10 times (not counting Floyd Landis). The French have not won since then.

Take Your Pick: A-Roid Or A-Fraud

So let me get this straight. In 2007, Alex Rodriguez unequivocally said that he had never used performance enhancing drugs and confidently (or arrogantly) said he had never needed them at any level or was even tempted, because he had always had enough talent to carry him. So then a story breaks that he tested positive for them in 2003 and then he comes out and admits it but says he stopped five years ago, and we’re supposed to believe him?

This story is a greatest hits of performance enhancing drug-stories. Let’s examine some of my personal favorite clichés from this story:

Arod admits that he used substances but doesn’t know what they were exactly.
-There is virtually no way to prove this is a lie, but does anyone believe that an athlete of his stature, and a man with his image-obsession didn’t ask what he was being given?

He says he thought he was taking something from GNC.
-As it turns out, one of the designer drugs he was taking is not even available in the United States, and none of the drugs he tested positive for would be found in any over-the-counter form. This combination of drugs is used in a meticulously crafted routine that is difficult to detect chemically, and is specifically designed to increase strength and shorten recorvery time while not causing the person to bulk up like a typical steroid user.

He says he is sorry and it was a childish mistake.
-He is sorry now that he has been caught. For the last five years, he apparently was not sorry though.

He says that he stopped using when he realized it was wrong (which was before the 2004 season).
-So he stopped using right after the one positive test…unless of course a new, more recent positive test is uncovered. Coincidentally, you know what else happened in 2004? Major League Baseball made using steroids illegal, so his admission that he used in 2003 cannot possibly result in any disciplinary action…again, unless a more recent positive test comes out.

He is being praised by some for his admission of guilt.
-Where was his admission of guilt before we found out he had cheated? Does it count as a confession if the criminal has already been convicted of the crime? Now he has handled this is better than how some have (Bonds, Clemens), but it shouldn’t get him off the hook.

He is being praised by some for his show of honesty and candid emotion.
-This “show of honesty” ironically proves he is a liar because of that Katie Couric interview in December 2007 when he proudly stated he had never been tempted to use PEDs. Some will say this puts him on par with Andy Pettitte who is also often praised for his honesty after being proved a cheater. But at least Pettitte said used PEDs to help recover from injuries and beat aging. Arod admitted that he only used (during his physical prime) to gain an advantage – to cheat. Incidentally, I think Pettitte is a bum for “fessing up” after being caught as well.

He says that his decision to cheat was based on his stress over living up to his new monster contract in Texas in 2001.
-So he felt less pressure than that when he left Texas to play in New York? For a bigger contract?

To be perfectly honest, I have never really been Alex Rodriguez’ fan, particularly after his slapping Bronson Arroyo in the ALCS a few years ago. I have long thought of him as disingenuous and slimy. So perhaps my criticism here is unfair. However, I have also long thought of him as the potential flag-bearer for the new, clean MLB. He was supposed to be the one to wipe Barry Bonds’ tainted records off the books. As it turns out, he only further mucks up the game and extends the period of time that this black cloud hangs over it.

Since he cannot be suspended for admitting to using drugs before they were illegal, the debate will be whether his records will stand and what this does to his Hall of Fame status. There is no way to tell when he was clean and when he was not, so these questions are tricky. The best analogy I have heard to answer these questions is this: if a golfer plays a legit front nine, but then cheats on the 15th hole, the entire round is wiped out, not just the back nine. Of course the fact that he stopped (or claims to have stopped) right before steroids became illegal means his records cannot officially be thrown out. Toss another asterisk on the record books.

The World's Commissioner Of Sports

This was the last entry I wrote for my column at CBS2.com back in March.

March 31, 2008

Today is my last day writing for CBS, so I thought I would give a list of some of the many things I would do if I were named World Commissioner of Sport.
-Introduce the following sports into the Olympics: lacrosse, golf (four-person teams, best ball, round-robin tournament), ultimate Frisbee, rugby, baseball (no, it is not in the Olympics anymore),
-Each team gets three video-appeals on ball/strike calls per game, plus one every three extra-innings. They can use the same triangulation technique that is used in tennis, with the results shown instantly on the jumbotron.
-Institute a home run trot clock. If he doesn't make it in time, it is a ground-rule double.
-Shorten and enforce the pitcher's clock, and put it on the scoreboard somewhere.
-Allow immediate group celebrations in football, but don't televise them.
-Any player who holds out while under contract is automatically ineligible for a raise in next contract (all sports).
-Any player that I determine tanked in order to force a trade will be suspended for one year (all sports).
-A single positive performance enhancing drug violation will result in a two-year ban (all sports)
-The New England Patriots forfeit their season-opening win over the New York Jets for cheating.
-If a league finds a positive test for an illegal substance, it must hand the evidence over to the police for prosecution.
-All athletes who make more than $1,000,000 must give at least 5% of their after-tax salary to charity.
-College athletes will not be paid or compensated in any way besides academic scholarships, housing, equipment, on-campus meal plans, and priority class registration.
-The Division IA college football champion will be determined the same way that the champion of every other level of college football determines its champion – tournament. In this case, a 16-team tournament of the top 16-ranked teams at the end of the season.
-The NCAA men's basketball tournament will be comprised of 64 teams.
-Major League Baseball umpires will have access to instant replay for home runs, foul balls and catches.
-Television timeouts are hereby banned. If the teams don't want timeouts, they should not have to take them.
-Volleyball must use the side-out rule, not rally scoring.
-NBA officials will enforce the no-complaining rule, as well as traveling and carrying-over.
-Dunks are worth 1 point.
-The Olympics are only for amateur athletes.
-Public colleges and universities may only give scholarships to American citizens, unless voters in that state vote to allow it.
-All athletics venues must offer a hamburger/hot dog, soda and desert combo for no more than one hour of minimum wage.
-All venues must allow tailgating in their parking lots.
-Car racing, poker and fishing may not be called sports.
-No one can be disciplined for missing work the day after the Super Bowl.
-The football national championship game will be played on January 1.
-Announcers who repeatedly use improper grammar will be fired.
-More swimsuit editions

The Greatest Hall of Fame Class That Might Never Be

During last night's Dodgers-Reds game, the text-in question of the game was "When do you think Ken Griffey Jr. will make the Hall of Fame: 1st Ballot, Later than that, or Never." 7% of Dodger fans apparently think he will never be elected. I don't think you can chalk this up to stupidity because even Dodger fans are not that dumb. Maybe it is that the only people who respond to these text-in questions are that dumb.

This, and Mike Piazza's retirement got me thinking about the Hall of Fame. This year's "graduating" class includes such once-sure things as Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds (if he is officially retired) and Piazza. The fact that Mark McGuire didn't get voted in, and may never be makes raises interesting questions:

Does Sosa get in? If Mac didn't there is no way Sosa does. Sosa was caught cheating (cork) and has been tied to steroids/HGH. McGuire just used a supplement that wasn't illegal yet (andro) and possibly more but nothing was ever proven. Plus, Mac was better. Sosa is out.

What about Bonds? His numbers make him perhaps the greatest of all time, but there is no one left on the planet outside of the San Francisco peninsula that doesn't think he was juiced the whole time. So how much weight do voters place on steroid allegations? If this Federal case against him proves he lied about juicing, does that knock him out of the Hall? What does it do to his records? I can't stand him but I don't know if I could not vote for him unless the Hall makes an official stance against documented cheaters and Bonds is officially proven. For now, Bonds is in.

Clemens' situation is very similar to Bonds. I don't think anyone thinks he was clean. However, unlike Bonds, he has no fans and no city loyal to him because he was never loyal to them (not that fan support affects Hall of Fame voting). It has not been proven, but allegedly he was doped up as much as Big Brown is right now. If it is somehow proven, does the best pitcher of his generation and one of the best 3-4 of all time get denied? He should, but will he? If it goes unproven, I think like Bonds, you have to let him in. And no, the fact that he allegedly had a whole bullpen of mistresses including one who wasn't old enough to spell mistress does not play a role in HOF voting.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if Piazza was voted in (and he will, of course) and these stiffs were not? Particularly Clemens. If you remember, Piazza and the Mets used to hit the hell out of Clemens. In 2000, Clemens beaned Piazza in the head (second time) and then did the same to Jay Payton. Then in the World Series Game 2, there was the famous 'roid rage...oops, I mean the famous bat-throwing incident. Well the Mets never got a modicum of payback after those incidents. Wouldn't it be great if the payback they (and we fans) finally got was this?

On to other things - what a second half by Kobe Bryant! Not only did he score 25 points and lead the comeback, but it was mostly on good shots and wise decisions (10 for 16). I didn't know he had it in him!

So what happens now? The Lakers must be feeling a little bit bulletproof. Will their inexperience make them lax in Game 2 or will they come out and make the Spurs pay for not closing it out? Will the Spurs be despondent and feel they blew it or will they be really, really pissed off and come out and hold the Lakers to 11 points in Game 2? I expect the Lakers to come out with all guns blazing, but the Spurs will hang around. In the second, the Spurs will get a lead. In the third Kobe will try to Kobe-fy them and the Spurs will wind up winning by double digits. Spurs in 6.

Baseball To Ban All Player Punishments

How much money was spent compiling the Mitchell Report? How much time? How many hours were spent interviewing people, being denied interviews with people, researching phone and email and credit card records, searching through dumpsters, and finally writing the 409-page report?

Last week the players' union boss and the commissioner of baseball did exactly what the report recommended: they totally disregarded it and decided they will not and will never punish anyone named in the report who was found to have cheated.

Why did they make this report? Why was it news? Was the only intent to ruin the names of players and former players, without actually formally punishing anyone? Do you know what I would do if I was caught red-handed doing something that was illegal but had made me millions of dollars, but then was told I would not be punished? I would probably find a way to keep doing it. Even if I get caught again, the union will probably get me off, and even if not, I will make millions in the meantime.

The LA Times' Bill Dwyre wrote a column yesterday about this and he used Marion Jones as one example who was actually punished for cheating. Yes, she lied to Congress, but that had nothing to do with her being stripped of her Olympic medals and records. She was stripped of her medals because she cheated. But not a single baseball player will be stripped of a single single!

Cycling is mocked and discredited for being saturated with cheaters, but the governors of the sport are leading the way (along with the Olympics) in showing how to clean up a sport - they enforce rules. Cycling tests riders constantly, goes into their hotels during races and does searches for drug paraphernalia and bans riders for two years for a single positive test. Do you know who won the Tour de France, his sport's most glorious crown, last year? Probably not, but you know he was clean (2004 brain surgery survivor Alberto Cantador, by the way). Do you know who won the home run crown, baseball's most glorious individual crown? Probably, but you aren't sure if he's clean or not. So which sport is in trouble?

Not that Cycling has it perfect either. Last year, two American cyclists were banned for a year each because they failed to appear for random tests at an event that they were not competing in! The bans on Cale Redpath and Alice Pennington were later lifted of course, but at least the US and World Anti-Drug Administrations actually act in their sports and will admit if they are wrong.

Baseball players did not get what was coming to them. They just signed bigger deals, raised my ticket and hot dog prices and laughed their way to the bank (and in the near future the hospital, no doubt). How many World Series rings are resting on the inflated fingers of cheaters? How many innocent guys should be stripped of theirs because their teammates were cheaters. But that is messy - you can't go back and take away awards and titles, right? Tell that to Marion Jones' Olympic Gold medal winning, world record setting teammates.

Selig made this grand move to have the Great Senator George Mitchell, the Man Who Saved Ireland, come in and clean up his sport. And in the end, he found out the who, what, when, where, and how (we knew the "why") of baseball's cheating ways and promptly brushed it under the rug. But I am sure the players' consciences are killing them and they won't cheat again, even knowing there are no repercussions.

Holding Out For An Anti-Hero

Being that it is tax day, it seems appropriate to write about things that pretty much everyone hates. Like Barry Bonds. There have been rumblings that it is only a matter of time before some team signs him - that they have all waited long enough and wouldn't have to pay top dollar anymore.

So how is it that no struggling team (read: Detroit Tigers) has signed him? So he is a clubhouse poison. So he comes out of the box like Billy Crystal in his MLB debut this spring. So he could never win anything when he was doped up like it was the All-Drug Olympics. So he will double any team's food budget (besides the Dodgers who already have Andruw Jones eating anything that sits still for a moment). Who cares?

Last year he hit a home run every 11 times at bat. He puts butts in the seats and the reporters in the press box - both of which put advertising dollars in your bank account. He can play DH and never run out a double. He doesn't need to carry the team, just scare the hell out of pitchers enough to make them pitch to the rest of the guys.

But the reasons that no one will sign him this year (or ever again) have nothing to do with his on base percentage or home run total. Signing him is a sign of panic and tells your players you don't think they can do it, which is a bad move even for the Tigers who supposedly have one of the most prolific offenses in history but are in last place and are averaging three runs per game. If your clubhouse is happy and friendly, he will make it tense and uncomfortable. If your clubhouse is tense and uncomfortable, he will cause it to explode and will likely eat someone.

As for the on-the-field performance questions, it isn't his inability to leg out and infield hit that makes him unhirable, it is that he could be thrown out at first from left field. As all of the cool-aid drinking San Franciscans whined, 'roids wouldn't make him see the ball better or improve his hand-eye coordination. But as everyone else argued, if you are 15 percent stronger because of drugs, a 350-foot gapper is now a 400-foot dinger. Bonds cannot be dumb enough to still be juicing (right?), and he is now 44-years-old, so that 350-foot gapper is now about a 300-foot flyout. He'd never get an intentional walk again and would never be pitched around.

I suppose someone will sign him. It will probably be Texas as another season withers away and they need something to make it interesting (plus they got 21 homers and 92 RBI out of Sosa last year). But he won't be nearly as hate-able as he once was, being a needle-scarred shell of his former self. So who are we to hate now? Sheffield? The poor bastard is stuck in Detroit and has to make wild racism claims just to make the national papers. It is weird to not have any great villains on the field. There are jerks (Manny, Larry Jones, Jeff Kent, Arod) but no proper villains.

Where have you gone Roger Clemens?