Friday, April 24, 2009

The French Surrender Case Against Armstrong

Good news! The French anti-doping authorities have decided to not seek sanctions against Lance Armstrong.

If you don't know the story, last month Armstrong took surprise urine, blood and hair tests and the French were really, really sure they would catch him cheating this time. So when he passed all three tests, they got mad and said he faked the tests which had been done in front of a testing agent of their choosing.

While his people checked the tester's credentials, Armstrong hopped in the shower (he had just finished practice). The French were apparently going to claim that while in the shower before his test, he used shampoo to clean his urine, blood and hair of all the steroids, testosterone, HGH, THC, TLC, ASAP, NCAA, NAACP, LOL, USSR, WWJD and horse tranquilizers that he is taking. That's good shampoo!

They decided against the sanctions and apparently set Wile E. Coyote at work hatching his next scheme on how to catch Armstrong before he* wins their precious bike race again.

*or any of 3-4 other Americans reasonably likely to win.

Fun fact: Since Bernard Hinault screwed Greg LaMond in 1985 and then LaMond became the first American to win the Tour in 1986, Americans have won the Tour 10 times (not counting Floyd Landis). The French have not won since then.


TRDulaney said...

ASAP and NAACP are notoriously hard to remove from your hair, etc...awesome post!

The Original Mets fan said...

The French are not so thorough. They did not test for STP or AARP.