Thursday, September 16, 2010

Commissioner of Sports on Jets Locker Room Controversy

Recently a huge national story was made out of a complete non-story (I know, be more specific).  In this case, it was a female reporter apparently feeling harrassed by athletes and coaches in the Jets' locker room.  Never mind that this reporter was scantilly clad and markets herself as the sexiest woman in sports, so it is surprising that she is allegedly upset by getting the exact reaction she is aiming for.  The issue for me is that a female reporter was in the locker room in the first place.

A few years ago, this debate reached its peak and female reporters were allowed to work in men's locker rooms despite all of the naked and half-naked men there.  The thinking was that not allowing them in the locker room would create an unfair advantage for their male-reporter-competition.  There is some logic to that.  However, even as a news and sports producer for CBS, I think I would have been arrested had I entered the women's locker room at a WNBA game, tennis tournament, or other women's event.  Rightfully so!

So we shouldn't have reporters in the opposite sex's locker rooms, but we have to allow reporters equal access to the athletes and coaches.  Hmm.  If only there was a room where the press could conduct interviews after a sporting event.  An interview room, perhaps.  What's that?  There are interview rooms in basically every professional stadium in the world and the athletes and coaches go there after leaving the locker room every time anyway?

Well then, how about we just don't allow the press into locker rooms at all.  Allow the players to celebrate or punch holes in the walls in private.  Allow in-fighting and coaches' talks in private.  Allow them time to take care of their personal hygiene, physical therapy, and dressing in private.  Then interview them in the interview room.

Click here for previous issues tackled by the Commissioner of Sports.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

What He Really Said: Reggie Bush

Painfully out-of-character statements of apology can sometimes seem as insulting as the offense for which they are issued.  Are we really to believe that a kid who can't spell his own name, but whose ability to dunk a ball in 7th grade got him C's on report cards for the next seven years until he was eligible for the draft, really wrote out prose so clear, precise and erudite and that it would make Hemingway blush?

What if the handlers wrote these statements in character?  Or what if they didn't write them at all?  What if the one apologizing actually did the apologizing?

Worn down by months of media attention, today Reggie Bush forfeited his 2005 Heisman Trophy and released the following statement:

"One of the greatest honors of my life was winning the Heisman Trophy in 2005.  For me, it was a dream come true. But I know that the Heisman is not mine alone. Far from it. I know that my victory was made possible by the discipline and hard work of my teammates, the steady guidance of my coaches, the inspiration of the fans, and the unconditional love of my family and friends. And I know that any young man fortunate enough to win the Heisman enters into a family of sorts. Each individual carries the legacy of the award and each one is entrusted with its good name.

“It is for these reasons that I have made the difficult decision to forfeit my title as Heisman winner of 2005."

What he really said:
"One of the greatest tricks to hooking up with chicks in my life was winning the Heisman Trophy in 2005. I mean, I did alright before because I was pretty much the shit in high school and then I went to USC and we ruled that place.  I didn't go to class...I didn't have to pay for anything...  I pretty much just worked out, studied film, practiced, hooked up, and made dudes look stupid like that guy from Oregon that I juked out that they keep showing on ESPN.  But then when I won the Heisman, man the women I started hooking up with were on another level.  Have you seen Kim Kardassian's ass? And any dude that wins the Heisman gets the same kinda women.  I mean Chris Weinke was a nasty looking dude and he was getting Heisman action.  Actually, not "any dude" because Ty Detmer was supposedly like a monk or something.  But even Tebow got down.  You saw that picture with that girl.  Sure, you're "just friends," Tim.  I'm just friends with Mayra Veronica, too.  And I have tons of sex with my friend, too. 
"But let's face it.  I cheated my ass off at USC.  We got a house, man.  Those fools at Oklahoma got busted for getting paid to work at a car dealership that they didn't work at.  I got a house.  So anyway, everyone's freaking out about it, and the Heisman groupies move on pretty quickly anyway, so I am just gonna give that shit back.  Hell, I don't need it anymore.  I won a Super Bowl.  Plus, I don't think Mayra even knows what the Heisman is.  And let's face it, that little dude got me hooked into the Kardassians and those chicks are psycho.  Huh, that's funny.  You win the Heisman, you get the hot, crazy sister in a family of groupies.  You win the NBA title like Odom, and you get the ugly, chubby, crazy sister.  And then the Super Bowl gets you whatever the hell you want, although I think I need to upgrade.
"It is for these reasons that I have made the "difficult" decision to forfeit my title as Heisman winner of 2005.  Plus, I was 'roided up the whole time, so it doesn't really count anyway.  Also, I am sorry that I got caught."