Last* Word On Some Overcooked Stories

I have been gone all week, with the only sports channel available being ESPN Deportes ("deportes" apparently means "only soccer" in Spanish), and came home to find that really not a damned thing happened. But some of the sports world's favorite re-tread stories were apparently back in the news this week, and I didn't have my chance to add my rant to the cacophony of morons screaming about them...till now.

Alex Rodriguez is a cheater and lied about when he cheated. So you're telling me a guy that ballooned up like...well, like a guy on steroids, was using steroids? And he lied about it too? Did anyone believe that he had only used drugs on those random days when they happened to test him as he said? Did anyone really believe that he only used in Texas because the pressure was so great on him, but that the pressure of a larger contract on the largest stage (New York) made him go clean? Did anyone really believe anything he said on the issue after he'd already been caught lying and fessed up because he was caught? Guess what, the dude is a lair and cheater. Move on.

Brett Favre wants to unretire. I never thought I would say or write these words, but screw you, Brett Favre. First you blew your chance to ride off into the sunset with your legacy in tact and after a season for the ages. Then you whined like...well, like a professional athlete that you weren't getting what you wanted and shouldn't have to be held to the contract your signed. So then you got what you wanted, had some laughs (7 TD's in a game), but generally were a bad quarterback and had the chance to ride off into the sunset with most of your legacy in tact (since the Jets wear green, most people would have forgotten that you weren't a Packer forever). Now you allegedly want to come back and to play in Minnesota. This whole things makes me sad. (Thanks to Cory Hollenhorst for the above image. Google "Favre Vikings" images...some people are reall good at Photoshop.)

The U.S. Congress is taking time out of their busy pre-campaign campaign schedules to hear a bunch of jackasses argue about the validity of the BCS in college football. Let's not mince words here, the BCS is a money-making scheme that works really, really well. The bowls are too. And while many of us fans like to say we love the bowls and would be sad to see them go, we'd forget that within 2 years of a tournament-style championship. And they could still call the tourney games bowls anyway, so everyone gets his or her way regardless. If the NCAA wants to crown a champion for each of its sports instead of all-but-one, they need a tourney. If they want cash, they keep the BCS. And even that is stupid because let's face it, a football sweet 16 game would get far better ratings than the Holiday Bowl does, which would mean more TV ad dollars, which means more naming-rights dollars and more stadium ad dollars as well. I watched 3-4 bowl games beginning to end this year and I wouldn't miss a playoff game. As for the argument that a playoff would invalidate the regular season, I have two points: who cares how good your regular season is if your postseason is more a pageant than a sporting event, and if you lost 2 regular season games, your chances of making an 8-team playoff would nearly vanish. So how is that different that now?

The San Jose Sharks blew a great season and left the postseason with their potential unfulfilled. And the sun rose in the east this morning.

NBA teams had great playoff games with really exciting 4th quarter finishes. Unfortunately, they had to play the first three quarters first. Plus the Lakers and Cavs are sitting at home waiting for all of their toughest foes to beat one other to death to find out out who will be swept next.

The NFL and Comcast are still fighting about whether the billions of Americans who do not want the NFL Network should have to pay for it on their basic cable bill. Or if the millions of Americans who do want it for about 10-12 hours a year should. Or if the 10's of Americans who want it year round should get it on a premier sports-tier. Why was this so easy for MLB to make happen when supposedly no one in America likes baseball anymore but everyone likes football? And why is the NFL trying to say they're fighting for the right of the people to watch their games when they signed an exclusive deal with DirecTV to charge $11,000,000** a year for the season pass, rather than having such a deal on all TV providers.

**-approximate

The NFL Draft happened. Lots of guys I have never heard of or can't remember made a lot of money and I will never hear of, nor remember most of them. But the Giants got a dude that made the craziest catch in college football history, so that's cool. I will do a draft post-mortem at some point, which will allow me to make fun of people who made mock drafts, so that will be fun.

There are probably more but I am sick of thinking of stories that I am already sick of. This will be the last time I address them. Until next time.

Election Day For February's Biggest Sports Moron

It is time for the nominations to the February Edition of the award for the dumbest sports figure of the month. And today is election day, so don't forget to get out the vote (yes we're not done with elections even though Obama won).

Alex Rodriguez - In 2007, A-roid belittled everyone who had ever used performance enhancing drugs, saying he had never even been tempted because his talent was so great, but of course last month the story came out that he had actually taken steroids for three years. Within minutes of the time his admission of steroids went public, he was already being shot full of holes and he has basically lost all credibility. But the genius maneuver that gets him nominated came later. A-roid deflected the blame, saying that he had been injected with a mystery-drug by an unnamed cousin.  Of course, this cousin's identity was very soon discovered.  So you would think that, at least publicly, he would distance himself from this evil cousin who is such a bad influence.  You would think that A-roid would try to distance himself from shady trainers, shady doctors, shady cousins, etc.  Nope.  This moron-nominee had this same needle-pushing cousin pick him up from the first spring training game. Really? Couldn't afford a professional driver? Couldn't get yourself a freaking car to drive?

Daniel Snyder - The owner of the Washington Redskins has turned them into the Yankees of the NFL. "But the 'Skins haven't won anything in ages," you say. Neither have the Yankees. But they just keep spending and spending, damning any sense of team unity or chemistry. The thing is, chemistry is basically irrelevant in baseball so the Yankees don't need to care. But in football, chemistry is significant (ask the 2006 Giants and the 2007 Giants if there is a difference when your team comes together). So last week Snyder bought his latest really, really expensive toy - Albert Haynesworth - for a cool $100,000,000. Never mind that Haynesworth is grossly overweight, nor that he has an anger problem, and that the combination of the two will have him worth half his current value before this deal is halfway done.

Lane Kiffin - First he got hired at Tennessee and promptly accused conference rival Florida of recruiting violations for doing something that isn't illegal. Then he was nailed for recruiting violations of his own. Then he went around ripping high school administrators and other SEC schools for basically being a bunch of inbred, ignorant hicks. Last week he had his assistant coaches ripping off their shirts (Hulk Hogan-style apparently) to impress recruits. To put that another way, he had grown men tearing their clothes off for the entertainment of teenage boys. Enjoy this creative Photoshopping from the greatest moment of Patrick Swayze's career. I would have said it was gonna take a lot for Kiffin to lose all that public good will he carried after Al Davis had a press conference to read his Dear John letter to Kiffin. And within six months I am actually wondering if Kiffin had been in the wrong in Oakland after all.

Frank McCourt - Despite that he is one of the few owners in baseball who makes money every year, despite that Manny Ramirez was the only reason the Dodgers did not finish the season with a win total in the 70's, despite that Manny probably single-handedly sold more merchandise and filled more seats than any player for any team in the last decade in his brief stint in L.A., McCourt refuses to allow his general manager to go out and get Manny. The Dodgers' latest low-ball offer, which the Dodgers billed as their best offer yet, was actually for less per year than any of their previous three crappy offers because the money was to be spread out over five years. The McCourts continue to make comically low offers, knowing he will not accept, so they can then turn to the media and say, "see we're trying." So at this point, you have pissed off a very childish, impulsive, emotional player who also happens to be one of the best in the game. So if you do sign him somehow, you know he will tank on purpose, as he has done before. And if you don't, he'll make it his mission to crush you, as he has done before. It will be funny when the Dodgers give up on Manny (officially, though it is clear they already have privately) and go into the season as Orlando Hudson as their big star. Then by the end of April, someone will lose a left fielder or be 5 games out (or both) and they'll go sign Manny for 3 years, $65 million. I hope it is the DBacks, Padres, Giants or Rockies.

Brandon Marshall - Last season the Broncos star receiver had to sit out the season opener because of his involvement in seven incidents with his ex-girlfriend in which the police got involved. You would think after breaking it off with that girl, he would try to stay out of trouble and get his career back together. Last week, Marshall was arrested (fourth time in three years) for disorderly conduct (charges later dropped) for getting into a fight with his new girlfriend - including when they got into a punching and kicking match on the sidewalk in front of the cops after police arrived and broke them up from the initial fight.

Right now I am leaning towards A-roid or Marshall, but polls don't close for hours so I am going to think it all over first. Leave a comment with your vote or a write-in candidate.

Take Your Pick: A-Roid Or A-Fraud

So let me get this straight. In 2007, Alex Rodriguez unequivocally said that he had never used performance enhancing drugs and confidently (or arrogantly) said he had never needed them at any level or was even tempted, because he had always had enough talent to carry him. So then a story breaks that he tested positive for them in 2003 and then he comes out and admits it but says he stopped five years ago, and we’re supposed to believe him?

This story is a greatest hits of performance enhancing drug-stories. Let’s examine some of my personal favorite clichés from this story:

Arod admits that he used substances but doesn’t know what they were exactly.
-There is virtually no way to prove this is a lie, but does anyone believe that an athlete of his stature, and a man with his image-obsession didn’t ask what he was being given?

He says he thought he was taking something from GNC.
-As it turns out, one of the designer drugs he was taking is not even available in the United States, and none of the drugs he tested positive for would be found in any over-the-counter form. This combination of drugs is used in a meticulously crafted routine that is difficult to detect chemically, and is specifically designed to increase strength and shorten recorvery time while not causing the person to bulk up like a typical steroid user.

He says he is sorry and it was a childish mistake.
-He is sorry now that he has been caught. For the last five years, he apparently was not sorry though.

He says that he stopped using when he realized it was wrong (which was before the 2004 season).
-So he stopped using right after the one positive test…unless of course a new, more recent positive test is uncovered. Coincidentally, you know what else happened in 2004? Major League Baseball made using steroids illegal, so his admission that he used in 2003 cannot possibly result in any disciplinary action…again, unless a more recent positive test comes out.

He is being praised by some for his admission of guilt.
-Where was his admission of guilt before we found out he had cheated? Does it count as a confession if the criminal has already been convicted of the crime? Now he has handled this is better than how some have (Bonds, Clemens), but it shouldn’t get him off the hook.

He is being praised by some for his show of honesty and candid emotion.
-This “show of honesty” ironically proves he is a liar because of that Katie Couric interview in December 2007 when he proudly stated he had never been tempted to use PEDs. Some will say this puts him on par with Andy Pettitte who is also often praised for his honesty after being proved a cheater. But at least Pettitte said used PEDs to help recover from injuries and beat aging. Arod admitted that he only used (during his physical prime) to gain an advantage – to cheat. Incidentally, I think Pettitte is a bum for “fessing up” after being caught as well.

He says that his decision to cheat was based on his stress over living up to his new monster contract in Texas in 2001.
-So he felt less pressure than that when he left Texas to play in New York? For a bigger contract?

To be perfectly honest, I have never really been Alex Rodriguez’ fan, particularly after his slapping Bronson Arroyo in the ALCS a few years ago. I have long thought of him as disingenuous and slimy. So perhaps my criticism here is unfair. However, I have also long thought of him as the potential flag-bearer for the new, clean MLB. He was supposed to be the one to wipe Barry Bonds’ tainted records off the books. As it turns out, he only further mucks up the game and extends the period of time that this black cloud hangs over it.

Since he cannot be suspended for admitting to using drugs before they were illegal, the debate will be whether his records will stand and what this does to his Hall of Fame status. There is no way to tell when he was clean and when he was not, so these questions are tricky. The best analogy I have heard to answer these questions is this: if a golfer plays a legit front nine, but then cheats on the 15th hole, the entire round is wiped out, not just the back nine. Of course the fact that he stopped (or claims to have stopped) right before steroids became illegal means his records cannot officially be thrown out. Toss another asterisk on the record books.