Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Election Day For February's Biggest Sports Moron

It is time for the nominations to the February Edition of the award for the dumbest sports figure of the month. And today is election day, so don't forget to get out the vote (yes we're not done with elections even though Obama won).

Alex Rodriguez - In 2007, A-roid belittled everyone who had ever used performance enhancing drugs, saying he had never even been tempted because his talent was so great, but of course last month the story came out that he had actually taken steroids for three years. Within minutes of the time his admission of steroids went public, he was already being shot full of holes and he has basically lost all credibility. But the genius maneuver that gets him nominated came later. A-roid deflected the blame, saying that he had been injected with a mystery-drug by an unnamed cousin.  Of course, this cousin's identity was very soon discovered.  So you would think that, at least publicly, he would distance himself from this evil cousin who is such a bad influence.  You would think that A-roid would try to distance himself from shady trainers, shady doctors, shady cousins, etc.  Nope.  This moron-nominee had this same needle-pushing cousin pick him up from the first spring training game. Really? Couldn't afford a professional driver? Couldn't get yourself a freaking car to drive?

Daniel Snyder - The owner of the Washington Redskins has turned them into the Yankees of the NFL. "But the 'Skins haven't won anything in ages," you say. Neither have the Yankees. But they just keep spending and spending, damning any sense of team unity or chemistry. The thing is, chemistry is basically irrelevant in baseball so the Yankees don't need to care. But in football, chemistry is significant (ask the 2006 Giants and the 2007 Giants if there is a difference when your team comes together). So last week Snyder bought his latest really, really expensive toy - Albert Haynesworth - for a cool $100,000,000. Never mind that Haynesworth is grossly overweight, nor that he has an anger problem, and that the combination of the two will have him worth half his current value before this deal is halfway done.

Lane Kiffin - First he got hired at Tennessee and promptly accused conference rival Florida of recruiting violations for doing something that isn't illegal. Then he was nailed for recruiting violations of his own. Then he went around ripping high school administrators and other SEC schools for basically being a bunch of inbred, ignorant hicks. Last week he had his assistant coaches ripping off their shirts (Hulk Hogan-style apparently) to impress recruits. To put that another way, he had grown men tearing their clothes off for the entertainment of teenage boys. Enjoy this creative Photoshopping from the greatest moment of Patrick Swayze's career. I would have said it was gonna take a lot for Kiffin to lose all that public good will he carried after Al Davis had a press conference to read his Dear John letter to Kiffin. And within six months I am actually wondering if Kiffin had been in the wrong in Oakland after all.

Frank McCourt - Despite that he is one of the few owners in baseball who makes money every year, despite that Manny Ramirez was the only reason the Dodgers did not finish the season with a win total in the 70's, despite that Manny probably single-handedly sold more merchandise and filled more seats than any player for any team in the last decade in his brief stint in L.A., McCourt refuses to allow his general manager to go out and get Manny. The Dodgers' latest low-ball offer, which the Dodgers billed as their best offer yet, was actually for less per year than any of their previous three crappy offers because the money was to be spread out over five years. The McCourts continue to make comically low offers, knowing he will not accept, so they can then turn to the media and say, "see we're trying." So at this point, you have pissed off a very childish, impulsive, emotional player who also happens to be one of the best in the game. So if you do sign him somehow, you know he will tank on purpose, as he has done before. And if you don't, he'll make it his mission to crush you, as he has done before. It will be funny when the Dodgers give up on Manny (officially, though it is clear they already have privately) and go into the season as Orlando Hudson as their big star. Then by the end of April, someone will lose a left fielder or be 5 games out (or both) and they'll go sign Manny for 3 years, $65 million. I hope it is the DBacks, Padres, Giants or Rockies.

Brandon Marshall - Last season the Broncos star receiver had to sit out the season opener because of his involvement in seven incidents with his ex-girlfriend in which the police got involved. You would think after breaking it off with that girl, he would try to stay out of trouble and get his career back together. Last week, Marshall was arrested (fourth time in three years) for disorderly conduct (charges later dropped) for getting into a fight with his new girlfriend - including when they got into a punching and kicking match on the sidewalk in front of the cops after police arrived and broke them up from the initial fight.

Right now I am leaning towards A-roid or Marshall, but polls don't close for hours so I am going to think it all over first. Leave a comment with your vote or a write-in candidate.

No comments: