Monday, June 1, 2009

Winners And Losers In Sports Last Week

Stanley Cup Finals: Detroit Leads 2-0
Winners: Red Wings, my friend Googs, the downtrodden people of Detroit that we were all supposed to support during the NCAA tourney but apparently don't need to worry about anymore since we remembered that Detroit wins the Cup every other year and they don't care about any other sport anyway.
Losers: NBC (Did you know this series is on NBC? No one else does either.), the NHL (the Golden Boy is getting crushed by a faceless red blob)

Rafael Nadal Loses At French Open
Winners: Roger Federer, Captain Fist Pump (aka Andy Murray)
Losers: Fans of Federer-Nadal epics,

Rachel Alexandra Will Not Race In The Belmont Stakes
Winners: People who don't like horse racing and want it to go away
Losers: the Sport of Kings (not only is there no Triple Crown chase, but now there is no Derby/Preakness winner rivalry), whoever is airing the Belmont this weekend

Manny Ramirez Will Be Voted Into All-Star Game (thanks to all this press)
Winners: Manny Ramirez, wig makers, hypodermic needle makers
Losers: Baseball ("we kinda have rules in place to condemn steroid use, but not really"), Raul Ibanez (by far the best overall outfielder in baseball right now, won't be voted in for sure...but will be there).

NBA Finals: Lakers vs. Magic
Winners: Basketball fans (Kobe-LeBron would have been cool, but could you really have watched five or six more games of the Cavs lining up all 11 other players on the bench and watching LeBron hold the ball till there were 5-seconds on the shot clock before making a move?), Adidas (they need to make a commercial where Dwight Howard is the the person holding the strings on those Kobe and LeBron puppets)
Losers: The NBA, Nike, the Lakers (home court: yes, but it is a worse matchup), Cavs fans (sure, he'll still stay in Cleveland with all the help they've managed to get for him over the years...of course!)

Charles Barkley Swearing On The Air
Winners: Fans of the English language because maybe he'll finally be fired
Losers: TNT (the fine can be as high as $500,000 thanks to Janet Jackson's boob)

The Yankees Are Back On Top Of The AL East For The First Time In Two Years
Winners: The Yankees, fans
Losers: Society

College World Series Freakish Box Scores
Winners: Florida State, Texas, fans of amazing hitting, fans of amazing pitching
Losers: Ohio State (lost baseball), BC (lost 3-2 in a 25 inning game that featured 28 consecutive batters being retired)

Soccer Team Beats Other Soccer Team
Winners: Fans of whichever team won that big game last week
Losers: Bar-hopping fans of the team that won who were subsequently crashed into by a bus driver who was angry with them because he is a fan of the other team

Some Kid Won A Spelling Bee
Winners: No one
Losers: Everyone who watches this every year and is subjected to not only a freaking spelling bee, but also the desperate, clumsy, and obnoxious phony mannerisms and attention grabs by these painfully socially awkward young people

Simona Halep Is Getting A Breast Reduction To Help Her Tennis Career
Winners: No one
Losers: Society

Donald Sterling To Be Honored By NAACP For Longtime Help Of Minority Youth
Winners: Donald Sterling, minority youth
Losers: Elgin Baylor (who is suing Sterling for wrongful termination in part because he claims Sterling is a racist), socially conscious people who try to avoid using archaic and offensive racial epithets by accident but still have to say "colored people" because of the NAACP

Clippers Win NBA Draft Lottery
Winners: The Clippers, fans (all 4 of us)
Losers: Blake Griffin

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