So Many Stories, So Little Time To Write

A week's worth of headlines rolled into one brilliant compilation:

Alex Rodriguez Is A Liar, And Not A Very Creative One!
So pretty much everyone has said that the "I didn't know what I was taking" line is a load of crap despite that every athlete caught doping seems to use it. But not only that, apparently the drug that Aroid claims to have taken without his own knowledge would not have tested positive for the two drugs that he tested positive for. And it is also not for sale in the Dominican Republic - he claimed his cousin bought it for him there. But at least his Valentine's Day-week fall-guy was his cousin and not his wife like Roger Clemens. Next excuse?

Mets Dominate Fantasy Drafts
The Mets have two players (Jose Reyes and David Wright) ranked 4th and 5th in Yahoo!'s fantasy pre-rankings and another two (Johan Santana and Carlos Beltran) ranked 17th and 19th. So with four of the most productive or valuable players in the game, and Daniel Murphy being everyone's late-round sleeper (I hope no one in my league is reading this), how have they not won a playoff game in three years?

Dodgers Fans Actually Listen To Tommy Lasorda
Last week before heading to Spring Training in Arizona, thus officially and finally driving a stake into the hearts of old-time Dodger fans everywhere, Tommy Lasorda actually said that he is not worried about the team signing Manny Ramirez and that they'd be fine without him. Apparently he did not watch the first 100 games last season. Staggeringly, 15% of Dodger fans are exactly as dumb as Lasorda takes them for and apparently agree with the fat bastard, based on a poll I posted on CBS2.com and KCAL9.com last week.

Tour Of California Races Down The Coast
Americans are dominating the nations largest cycling race, with Levi Leipheimer, David Zabriskie, Lance Armstrong and Chris Horner in 1st, 3rd, 4th, and 5th respectively. Thus far most riders have been content to stay in the peloton (aka pack) and just wind up with the same time as the leader, but Friday is the individual time trial where each rider takes off on the 15 mile sprint course on his own and races only the clock. There could potentially be a massive change in the standings, which have been basically unchanged since the first day of the Tour last weekend. Thus far, Floyd Landis and Tyler Hamilton have been inconsequential in the overall standings, but neither has nearly the support that those other four Americans have, and Landis was a phenomenal time trialist before his fall from grace and hip replacement. The Tour comes to L.A. Saturday, and should pass my parents' house between 1-2 p.m. on its way to the Rose Bowl. How pissed are the French going to be if Americans get 2 or more podium places in the Tour de France?

David Beckham May Return To Save American Soccer After All
Beckham was going to make soccer relevant in American when he signed with the Galaxy two years ago. After one injury plagued season and one season with the worst record in the league, the sport had vaulted up into the top 10 sports in the U.S. trailing only football, baseball, basketball, car racing*, hockey, Guitar Hero, Mariokart, basket weaving* and soap carving*. Last week it looked like an Italian team and Beckham had arrogantly decided that his contract here was irrelevant and he should just leave. To their credit, the Galaxy told the Italian team to screw themselves and wouldn't let their star go. Supposedly the Italians are planning to sweeten the deal to get Beckham out, but for now he is still back to save soccer once more.

*-not a sport

The Clippers Are Bad, I Mean Really Bad
On paper, this is clearly a playoff team: Baron Davis, Zach Randolph, Eric Gordon, Al Thornton, Marcus Camby, Chris Kaman and Ricky Davis are a solid first seven and they have some decent backups well. Injuries and the fact that their jerseys say "Clippers" on them have cursed them however. How bad are they? Over their last 15 games, they have allowed 113 points per game. and only kept opponents under 100 seven times in the last two months. And Mike Dunleavy has two jobs and I don't.

Suns Didn't Trade Stoudamire But Lost Him Anyway
Amare Stoudamire, rumored to be traded to every team in the NBA, 11 NFL teams, 5 MLB teams, and bridge club, didn't get traded as the NBA trade deadline passed. In fact Rafer Alston was the biggest name to move. Now one day later, the Sun found out they have lost Stoudamire for 8 weeks due to a detached retina. As bad as I feel for the Suns and for Stoudamire himself of course, I cannot help but think about Kenny from Out of Sight and how he had to retire from boxing because he had his retina detached two times. Then I think of Kenny tussling with Toughy and Moselle telling Karen Cisco that if she sees Snoopy Miller to tell him that she needs grocery money and the dog got run over. I love that movie.

NFL Combine Starts
All of the NFL Mock-Drafts that have been published to this point are hereby rendered irrelevant, begging the question of why those writers ever put their names to those admittedly inaccurate rankings in the first place. So who will go #1? Not Andre Smith who decided not to come to the combine apparently because he has not been working out and didn't want to show off all of his new rolls (he's 330+ when in shape). He admitted that he hasn't worked out in three or four weeks and wants to get his "numbers down" before running his 6.8 40. Mark Sanchez improved his stock by signing up to do all the throwing drills, which most quarterbacks apparently don't do. Why do they have this combine if no one goes to it? Anyway, Sanchez's decision to go through all the drills shows he is willing to put out effort and be coached. The trouble is, the drills will likely show he is not a very good quarterback. Pick your poison - spoiled reputation but a top 10 pick, or nice guy reputation and a 2nd round pick.

NBA Dunk Contest Won On A Dunk You've Seen 100 Times
Nate Robinson won the NBA Dunk Contest by jumping over a guy and dunking. In other news, the set set in the west that evening. But I suppose it is better than Dwight Howard winning last year's dunk contest by successfully completing a layup, but not a dunk.

Aikman Award: Color Commentary Of The Week
"Every time UCLA gets up by 7, or 8, or 9, Washington makes a big basket to get it back to a one possession game."--UCLA Basketball announcer Don MacLean, who has to be checked every 3-4 minutes for a pulse. Apparently University of Washington players have figured out how to make a six-point basket, which could really catch on.

Coming Back Is Like Riding A Bike

Lance Armstrong announced that he was officially coming out of retirement and that he is going to win the Tour de France. The "elite" in cycling this year were "domestiques," or supporting cast, when Armstrong was cycling. Granted that is the nature of things, but he still thinks that Carlos Sastre's impressive and decisive climb up Alpe D'Huez wasn't impressive enough and he wants to take another crack at winning.

I am all for Armstrong's return. The man is among the greatest athletes, greatest competitors, and greatest stories on the planet, and maybe more importantly, the French absolutely hate him. During his seven-year run at the top of the Tour de France, he was constantly harangued by the French media and called a cheater despite never having tested positive for any banned substance. Allegedly a French newspaper found a b-sample if his and it tested positive for blood doping substances, but the claim was never supported, nor looked into. Sour grapes.

Another reason I am for Armstrong returning is that apparently he plans to do it for free. He doesn't want a salary. He wants to win, and he wants to raise money and attention for a cure for cancer (not necessarily in that order). So what team wouldn't want him?

Astana, who was not allowed to ride in the 2008 Tour because former members of the team had been dopers, is the strongest team in the world so Armstrong would be well supported there. They also employ some of his old teammates and his good friend and former manager/strategist Johan Bruyneel. But cycling is unlike most sports: it is an individual sport masquerading as a team sport. The other eight guys on a team are really only there to protect their star and get him the overall win in the end...not necessarily the daily stage wins. Armstrong would not automatically be the star on Astana, which already boasts one Tour de France champion and no less than four reasonable favorites (guys who would be The Man if on many other teams).

Armstong would be a great fit on either of the two American teams who rode in the 2008 Tour. Team Garmin/Chipotle (as in handheld GPS/Tacos) already has a legitimate #1 man, American Christian Vandevelde, who rode in Armstrong's shadow before and would not likely want to give up his spot at the top of the pile too easily. However, the who the #1 man is is generally determined on the roads, not on the team bus.

Team Columbia (as in the clothing company, not the nation) has Armstrong's old brother-in-arms Georgie Hincapie and no true elite #1 man. They do have plenty of very good support riders and that is what Armstrong needs most. But the reason that they are the most perfect fit, besides the blue jerseys that became his signature with USPS and Discovery (when he wasn't in yellow), is that the team was founded on the sole principle of competing cleanly. They were originally called Team High Road to illustrate that point before gaining major sponsorship right before the 2008 Tour de France.

Armstrong would have to go through the sport's doping program that says he must be tested randomly, any time, any day, for six months before being allowed to come out of retirement. But the first people who knew that he was planning to pull a Favre was the sport's anti-doping people...he announced his intentions to them before the media, so I don't think peeing in a cup 50 or 60 times is much of a concern.

Another wrinkle to the 2009 Tour de France that will almost certainly be the most watched Tour in history is the fact that disgraced American Floyd Landis will be eligible to ride in it after his two year ban will have expired. I still feel that Landis was innocent of the charges levied against him but a dramatic storyline will be if a team will take a shot at hiring him, if he was able to keep his form and competitive edge, and if his replacement hip will allow him to ride on form.

If that wasn't enough, American former Olympic road racing gold medalist, Tyler Hamilton, who was also previously suspended for doping, won the U.S. National road racing championships last month and will almost certainly be looking for a higher profile team to ride on next season.

I think Armstrong will ride again next summer. I think he will have teams knocking down his door trying to sign him (imagine the literally free publicity for signing the greatest athlete in the sport's history to a free contract). I think the major sponsors who walked away from the sport last year are probably scrambling to find a team whose backs they can slaps their names on. I think the organizers will "Lance-proof" the race like they tried over and over to do before. I think there will be at least two, and maybe three Americans on the stage on the Champs Elyse. And I think Armstrong's hair may be a little grayer, but his jersey in Paris will be just as yellow as it always was.

And as a final, unrelated note: what was Shawne Merriman's dumbest career move? Taking steroids and getting caught a few years ago, or not having major reconstructive surgery to fix the two torn tendons in his knee in February like four doctors told him to do and instead waiting so he could play poorly in week one (and lose) and then decide to have the surgery, thus missing the entire season. I can't imagine having to root for a guy this stupid. Thank God I can't stand the Chargers.