A Befuddling Baker's Dozen

I was in a fantasy baseball draft Yesterday afternoon and there were a lot of things I found completely baffling about the standard player rankings that are provided to help you pick your team. Most notably, Matt Kemp is considered the 33rd best non-pitcher (16th best outfielder) in baseball. This is only taking batting average, runs, home runs, RBI and steals into account. The guy is a "power hitting" outfielder who hit 18 home runs and had 76 RBI last year. He stole 35 bases, and I can only assume that is why his rating jumped, because other than that, his numbers are decent...for a second baseman. Of course I was gone for part of the draft and my team auto-selected the bum. I offered him in a trade the moment the draft ended, so we'll see how that goes.

But Kemp's high ranking is one of many things in sports that have utterly baffled me of late. For instance, if a 2-seed beats a 7-seed, do you say that the "higher" seed won or the "lower" seed? This is like how the expressions, "sub-par performance," or "above par" mean exactly the opposite of their meanings in golf, which is where they were borrowed from. Or how about when there is a "jump ball" called in college basketball, there is no subsequent jump ball. They just take it out of bounds. Not to mention the Big Ten having eleven schools, as I mentioned last week.

Andruw Jones hit 3 home runs and batted .158 in a 2008 season shortened by injuries and Joe Torre having both mercy and good sense. So now he is on the Rangers and has been playing Spring Training games in their minor league system. He could have opted for free agency last week but instead decided to stay with the Rangers in the hopes of making their Major League squad as a bench player or part-time DH. Perhaps it got lost in translation, but someone should have told Andruw that the "H" there stands for "hitter" and his chances of getting that job is around 16%*. Incidentally, with regard to Jones making the team, the Rangers basically told him to not hold his breath. Is it more embarrassing that the Netherlands passed on Jones or the last place Rangers?

*-like his batting average

In other baffling news, reports are floating around that the Giants have made offers to trade for Braylon Edwards, who had more dropped passes than Terrell Owens last year. They make offers for this guy and not Anquan Boldin or T.J. Houshmandzadeh?

Two powerhouse European soccer teams are making a 6-city U.S. tour coming up. U2 will likely outsell these games 4-1 in each of those six cities. Are they still trying to tell us that soccer is up-and-coming? I know the stat that more kids in America are playing soccer than any other sport, but that has been the case for some time now...what impact has it had on the American sports scene? Did you know the MLS is expanding? Do people go to these games? They get less national interest than the World Baseball Classic, which no one cares about because the U.S. team is fielded mostly by the 3rd or 4th best Americans at many positions, all of whom are out of shape because it is Spring Training.

I don't know why this one surprised me, but Terrell Owens was a no-show at the Bills voluntary training camp opening Monday. It is only voluntary so it isn't a big deal, but shouldn't he be trying to fix the image that he is an asshole? Or is it too far-gone? Last week his new coach Dick Jauron said, "I hope that he's here. He knows how important it is for us, particularly in his first year with us." T.O. allegedly replied, "Who's Dick Jauron?"**

**-I may or may not have made this quotation up.

The NFL released some scheduling information for this upcoming season. The Raiders were given prominent games on the opening Monday Night game and also as a Thanksgiving game. How does it make advertising-dollar sense to give a team that bad that kind of stage? Are there that many Raiders fans? Or is it that a lot of people will watch to see the Raiders lose? Because if multiple people are watching the same TV, that doesn't help ratings. And being that each individual Raider fan doesn't have his own TV in his own personal cell, that means they will all watch the same set in the common area, so that is bad for ratings. And they also don't count stolen TVs piled up in the garage either.

North Carolina coach Roy Williams said last week that "A building never won a game in a tourney." I get the point he was trying to make: despite the expected home-court advantage that fans would give Carolina in Greensboro for the NCAA's 1st and 2nd rounds, the players still needed to go out and make shots and make stops and win the game. But really? The building never won a game. I know it is kinda weak to defeat an argument with one, extraordinary example, but does the Miracle on Ice ring a bell? Do you think if that game had been played in Moscow, or London, or Tokyo, or at Amundsen-Scott, the results wouldn't have been the same?

There is a new professional football league called the United Football League that will start next year with four teams. The league's site says that they chose their franchise homes so that they could cater to large markets that do not currently have representation in the NFL. So they picked San Francisco, New York and Orlando because those areas only have two NFL teams each.

And the final thing that completely baffles me is how the hell they decided to make a Donnie Darko sequel. When a story has a truly perfect ending, what kind of moron decides to tell what happened seven years later? What a cop-out of creativity. Write a new story for God's sake! And really, his little sister starts getting apocalyptic visions (including Frank the Bunny, of course) while stopped in a spooky small town during a wacky, cross-country road trip with...wait for it...Elizabeth Berkeley. How do you smear the legacy of one of the most beloved, well performed, intricately crafted movies of all time? Rub Jessie Spano all over it. Coming to a theater near you soon (and then a Blockbuster very, very shortly after that).

What To Root For/Against This Week

So you are trying to figure out who to root for this week as the NCAA Tournament looms. That is part of the problem with betting on sports and playing fantasy sports - you wind up having to root for people like Bob Huggins to win Tourney games, and Chipper Jones to have good seasons. The trick of course, is to only bet/play with teams and players that you already like, or have reason to.

Louisville will be easy to root for because they were the forgotten little sisters, still not unanimously considered a 1-seed even after beating UConn and Pitt in the regular season and outlasting them and winning the Big East Tournament. Though they were eventually rewarded with the benefit of playing within two-and-a-half hours of home for the first four rounds, and having the weakest 2, 3, and 4 seeds in the Tourney.

West Virginia will be easy to root against because, again, Bob Huggins is a sleazeball. I have them beating Dayton in the first round but losing to Kansas, which will be nice considering that Kansas is another team that's easy to root for.

Need a villain? How about Cal State Northridge? I know it seems weird to root against Cinderella, but they are terrible and won't get out of the first round unless Memphis actually fails to appear anyway. More importantly, the Matadors have the lowest graduation rate among all 65 competitors - 8%. Of the 12 guys on the team, one will graduate within six years. And it isn't as though they are losing these kids to the NBA. But just wait till Huggins has been at WVU long enough to be counted in this stat. 8%...ha!

I am not sure if Florida State is a hero or villain. They are a decent pick to knock off 1-seed Pitt in the Sweet 16 and would be a fun story, but they are also an athletic department plagued with academic dishonesty and administrative neglect. The jury is still out on the 'Noles.

Switching gears, someone to root against is an 89-year-old Ohio woman, Edna Jester (who ironically has little or no sense of humor). When Mrs. Jester's neighbors' kids' ball went into her yard one too many times, she kept it and refused to give it back. The kids' parents (who are also not to be rooted for) sued her for the ball. The case was thrown out and she counter-sued for emotional distress...which was also thrown out. But at least our taxes paid for all of this.

Manny Ramirez is another one to root against. Not only is he on the Dodgers, which automatically makes him hate-able, but he has now officially staked claim on a lingering hamstring injury that can't really be fixed or medically disproved. So he has his built-in excuse for lagging for the remainder of the year. Enjoy, Dodger fans. The fantasy value of every player on your team and the potential division championship just flew out the window as Troy Tulowitski's liner flew down into the left field corner, forcing Manny to take 10-15 running steps before "re-injuring" himself. But at least it was determined that Jason Schmidt does not have the arm-strength to be a starter.

Looking for a true American hero? How about Jenyne Butterfly, winner of the 2009 U.S. Pole Dance Championships, hosted by the U.S. Pole Dance Federation. Really, no more needs to be said here...except that this makes it possible for women everywhere to dream big. Way to go Jenyne.

Hmm, Jay Cutler or the Broncos. I tend to want to side with players in messes like this, and I kinda like Cutler because Philip Rivers is such a huge a-hole. But seriously Jay. You are a professional athlete and you do not have a lifetime contract with the team. If they were contacted about a trade for you and said no, isn't that all you need to know about them wanting you around? If they allegedly looked at the market and realized that you were their guy, shouldn't you be happy for now and work hard to make sure that stays the case? Instead, you whine that they have turned their back on you (despite that they turned down the freaking trade!) and now you pull your house on the market and reportedly demand a trade. You sir, will be have whiny brat stamped on your player bio for the rest of your career.

Sergio Escudero. Never heard of him? He is a soccer player, so clearly he is someone to root against, but he is perfect example of why soccer players are to be disliked. Watch the video to see why. And keep in mind that a foul cannot be called on a referee. Perhaps he is a method actor and cannot "turn it off." Somewhere Vlade Divac is smiling. Clearly this guy sucks anyway because he is Brazilian and doesn't go by just one name.

I got distracted...back to the Tourney. You have to root against Big Ten schools, partially because there are eleven schools in the Big Ten. It should be the Big Televen...and so it shall be on this site. Anyway, Purdue was the conference's preseason favorite and was the best team all season till they stumbled at the end of the season. They went on to win the Big Televen tournament however. So it is fair to say that they are the best team in the conference if not second best. And they got a 5-seed. But somehow the Selection Committee (also to be jeered for having hosed small conferences, and also for this) thought that there were six other schools in this league good enough to be among the field. If you're counting, that means you root against Michigan State, Illinois, Ohio State, Wisconsin, Minnesota and Michigan as well. If you have a hard time remembering all of them, just look for the teams scoring in the 40's...that'll be the Big Televen.

Obviously that also means Arizona must be jeered as well for being in undeservedly, but more importantly, the mid-majors that did get in need extra support since there were only four selected this year. So be sure to get behind Xavier and Dayton (Atlantic 10), Butler (Horizon) and BYU (Mountain West). Temple, Gonzaga, Utah, Western Kentucky, American, Portland State, Northern Iowa and Siena are all mid-major/small conference automatic bid winners who have good shots to make some early round noise as well, with the Zags being the flag bearers, of course.

I will also be rooting for certain match ups to occur, even if it means rooting for teams I don't like. UCLA-Duke, UNC-Gonzaga, and Memphis-Missouri would make for great Sweet 16 games, and Duke/UCLA-UNC would make for a fantastic Final Four game as well.

The fans in Kansas City and Miami could use some support this week as well. Not only did they not get any local teams to root for, they only got one game that anyone cares about (Maryland-Cal). Memphis-CSUN, Oklahoma-Morgan St., Clemson-Michigan, ASU-Temple, Syracuse-S. F. Austin, Utah-Arizona and Wake Forest-Cleveland St. Ouch. Those people are paying just as much as the people in Greensboro who get to see Duke and UNC play home games, and a potentially awesome 8-9 game (LSU-Butler).

And finally, we should all root against any of the Dayton games being any good, so CBS will air as little of Verne Lundquist and Bill Raftery as possible. Of course, they also air every game free on their website, so maybe this last one doesn't matter as much. In related news, hurray for CBS broadcasting every single game for free despite that they could obviously charge ridiculous amounts of money for this, like Major League Baseball and the NFL do.