Look How Cute He Is When He's Mad

The Magic got off the mat last night and beat the Lakers in Game 3 thanks, in part, to Kobe Bryant's dismal performance down the stretch. "The best closer in basketball" finished a terrible second half with this final minute stat-line: 1 missed fall-away 3, 1 missed unnecessarily desperate heave from 3, 1 rebound and put back, 1-2 from the free throw line, 0 angry-3-year-old faces.

My theory is that he came out poorly in the second half because he strained his face practicing his new angry-3-year-old face in front of the mirror at halftime.

I was glad to see that ESPN.com had a piece somewhat mocking Kobe's new phony-intensity face yesterday. Other Lakers were interviewed and they pretty much all mocked him (that's the last time he ever passes), but then each of them got serious and remembered what the P.R. department had apparently told them to say and they repeated by rote, "I guess it just shows how intense he is. You know, how much he wants this."

So he never really wanted it before? The fact that we've never seen this, the latest of Kobe's transparent "look at meeeeee" stunts, must mean he never tried before right? It can't be that he was envious of the "warrior"-status given to Kevin Garnett because he makes this same insanely stupid face all the time. It can't be that Big Baby Davis got a ton of air-time when he made his contorted "angry lower-jaw" face after his buzzer-beater early in these playoffs.

No, I'm sure it is authentic intensity that causes him to inexplicably have a wicked underbite after he makes a shot late in games.

In other Finals news, I am nominating the following four quotes for the 2008-2009 Dumbest NBA Commentators Moment award.

"The Lakers are down by 8 and have missed 8 free throws. Make those and they'd be tied. Or close to tied." - Mychal Thompson. As Chevy Chase once said, "It was my understanding that there would be no math."

"I always used to tell my players, don't shoot 3's with a foot on the line." - Jeff Van Gundy. I like Van Gundy, and I like John Madden, but sometimes Van Gundy sounds just as confused and excited and desperate just to say something as Madden.

"I always say, these are the biggest free throws of his career." - Mychel Thompson. Perhaps in Bahamian English, "biggest" means "most recent."

"The 1st thing you gotta do is get the ball in bounds." - Jeff Van Gundy. This was great because he didn't follow it up with any kind of strategy for doing so, or what to do next. He just wanted to make the point, in the last minute of a tied Finals game, that passing it in comes first.

Encarnacion: En-car-na-cion

I am not sure if the Dodgers have asked their announcers, Steve Lyons and Charlie Steiner, to rave about their new starter Clayton Kershaw, or if Steiner is just desperately in love with him. Either way, it is kinda creepy watching Dodger games and listening to Steiner fawn over the poor kid, who incidentally was seven months old when the Dodgers last won a playoff series.

I occasionally work at KCAL as the profanity censor, and when I do I have to listen very closely for fans, players or announcers who fire off swears. Dumbest job ever, but they pay me so what the heck! So I can't just mute Steiner and watch the ballgame in peace. Well actually I could, but then he'd be muted for the rest of the viewing audience at home and while that would no doubt be well-received by the fans, I doubt KCAL would like it. I have to listen to him intently every single time he mispronounces Edwin Encarnacion's name, and every time he rambles dreamily about Kershaw's earth's-rotation-slowing curveball, or his strong, supple thighs.

Seriously though, Steiner can't say "Encarnacion." This is the third time I have worked a Dodgers-Reds game this year (once in April and twice this week) and he says "Encanarcion" every time. It is a subtle difference, I admit. But I noticed it in April and thought it was funny. After last night, when Encarnacion hit a solo home run and accounted for all of the Reds' offense (and was therefore mentioned a lot), I wanted to do that lawnmower trick from "The Happening" just so I wouldn't have to hear that human-turtle say that very simple, common name wrong again.

Apparently there was a fire alarm at the Dodgers' hotel yesterday morning and Steiner longingly told (and retold) the story of how Kershaw came down from his room in "gym shorts and a t-shirt" with no shoes on like it had been Marisa Miller (above) without a top on.

The only thing more annoying than this is that Steiner constantly misses plays when talking and tries out little catch phrases all the time. He missed the first pitch in Tuesday's game and on the second pitch said, "Pierre swings at the first pitch he sees and grounds out to Encanarcion." Is it that hard to pay attention to the first at bat of the game? Then last night I nearly threw up when Steiner tried yelling the catch-phrase, "Kuo, don't you know!" when Hong-Chih Kuo struck someone out (the best part of course being that it was a foul ball, so he wasted the line anyway).

Adam Dunn of the Reds is one of the left handed power hitters that always gets the shift put on when he hits. Before the game, Lyons apparently asked Dunn why he doesn't just bunt down the third base line, which I would require of my players if I was the manager in that situation. Dunn gave the same old line: "If we're down two in the eighth, I'll bunt. I do it 6-10 times a year. But they don't pay me to bunt, they pay me to get on base and drive in runs."

Dunn led off the second inning, trailing 2-0 with the shift on. He struck out looking. I don't think they pay him to do that either. Then he hit in the fourth, down 3-1. He grounded out. In the sixth inning he came up with first and third and one out and they still put the shift on. He struck out. They were giving him a free squeeze bunt for a run and a hit. By the time he came up in the eighth, they were down five runs and his bunt single wouldn't have mattered (but he flew out, just for good measure).

My final rant of the day is for Dusty Baker, the dumbest man in baseball. This is a man who once explained his disdain for the on-base percentage stat by saying that extra base runners "clog up the bases," but at least he ruined Kerry Wood's and Mark Prior's careers by overworking them. In the sixth inning, his Reds were trailing 4-1 and the Dodgers had runners on second and third with one out and speedster Juan Pierre hitting. Baker played the outfielders in like it was one out in the ninth with the winning run on third. Predictably, Pierre lifted a fly ball over the center fielder's head, two runs scored, and Pierre got a triple. Game over.

Had the outfield been at regular depth, this would have been an easy pop fly, likely not even deep enough to get the runner home from third. Of course, Pierre's swing was likely influenced by the defense that he was presented with, and he perhaps would not have hit the same pop fly had they been back at regular depth. But the point is that Baker positioned his defense so that the worst possible result was the most likely possible one.

I couldn't find a video or photo of Kobe Bryant wearing it, and I couldn't find the actual item on Nike's website, but when Kobe arrived in LA on the team plane yesterday, he was wearing a sweatshirt with a tire-tracks design on the front that was made to look like it had been run over a bunch of times. Never in human history has a person accidentally worn a more perfectly accurate metaphor for their professional performance.

Somewhere Shaq Is Very Happy Today

Why was it that in a series that featured so many amazing comebacks, there was no doubt that Game 6 of the NBA Finals was over by the time the first quarter was over. During Game 2, I was even so leery of Kobe Bryant's ability to make amazing things happen that I said it wasn't over when the lead was 20 with something like 8 minutes left. But with a lead smaller than that and with 36 minutes left, it was over in Game 6.

My favorite moment was with about 10 minutes left in the 4th quarter, the Celtics were up by 28 and Kobe was sitting to start the quarter when the crowd started chanting "Where is Kobe?" The Celtics crowd sounded like a single voice. I don't ever remember hearing a crowd so clearly enunciate it's cheers and taunts. And not only that, but they were so confident that it was over and that Kobe had been shut down, that they were not afraid to actually call him out - to dare him to do something about it.

This chant was broken up by three consecutive three-pointers from Ray Allen that must have left Sasha Vujacic questioning his value as a human being. I think Vujacic is a fantastic athlete; he must be to have gotten to where he is. But I think he chose the wrong sport. I have never seen someone kick the basketball to the officials or the inbounds guy more, and the way he goes down and throws his hands to his face like someone has just thrown acid at him all the time makes me think he is looking for a red card. Man, I hate soccer.

Yesterday was a huge day in sports around the world actually, with France and Italy playing soccer for the first time since the famed World Cup final game in which some guy headbutted some guy for a sister-joke, not even a mom-joke...and it wasn't even a headbutt to the head. If you saw the highlights from yesterday, the team known as The Azzurri (named for the azure blue jerseys all Italian national teams traditionally wear) wore white jerseys, while the nation known best for white fabric ("we surrender") wore blue jerseys. It was a wonderful game between two of the world's blah blah blah... One of them won. Or maybe they tied. Seriously, soccer is so lame.

I know that the game was out of hand by the start of the fourth quarter, but Phil Jackson should be fined by the Lakers, with the money being distributed among their fans, for forcing the Lakers' fans' hopes to rest on the shoulders of Ariza, Farmar, Turiaf, Vujacic and Odom. What was he saving Kobe, Pau Gasol and Derek Fisher for? Why bother with Odom, why not slap a jersey on MBenga and stick him in there to round out the five. I saw Kobe Carl back there in the third row, he's on the roster, right? The Clippers would have loaned Smush Parker back to the Lakers for the night. This guy is the "best coach of all time"?

I cannot believe that the Clippers finished the season with Smush Parker and Dan Dickau running the point.

It is hard to tell if Kobe was more upset about losing the Championship, not being named MVP, or the fact that the game was played late on the East Coast so his daughters couldn't be propped up next to him on camera afterwards. Regardless, the guy looked truly upset in the post-game interview and you could barely tell that he is already scripting his offseason trade demands.

The Collapse Of The Year (And It Doesn't Involve The Mets!)

I am not sure what I am happier about in regards to this Lakers-Celtics Game 4. For one thing, the Lakers lost, thus all but clinching a series lost. That is fantastic. But because it happened, it kinda washes clean the memory of the Mets' third consecutive save blown by Billy Wagner yesterday. Also related to the Mets, the word "collapse" has been used to describe my beloved baseball team's 2007 season quite a bit, but I think the Lakers just put a new trademark on the word. And finally, I wasn't at home for the second half, so I have it TiVo-ed, so I get to watch every Jack Nicholson shot with relish as Lamar Odom shrivels into a tiny, little ball.

I watched the first half at home and was not thrilled with what I was watching. To be honest, it did not seem out of reach that the Celts would get back into it. They had a 12-0 run in the second, and there was simply no way that the shooting percentage could stay as high for the Lakers or as low for the Celtics. But then Kobe Bryant hadn't made a single hoop yet either.

So at halftime, I set the game to record and left for my Ultimate league game (in which we stomped on the team of a huge jerk, closing the game on a 14-5 run). My intent was to not listen to the radio and not find out the score so I could go home and watch Game 4 after my game. Of course midway through our second half, someone yelled out, "What? At home? No way!"

News got around that the Lakers had collapsed (see, I used it) and all I could think of was how fun it would be to watch it when I got home now that I know what was coming, and that what was coming would make me very, very happy. On the way home from my game (and the ensuing team trip to a bar), I listened intently to AM570 - the Lakers' broadcast station - as callers tried to make sense of their lives in the wake of this collapse. "We would have won with Bynum." "At least the Spurs didn't win it." "Garnett may win the title, but Kobe is still the MVP" (which is probably what Kobe is thinking too).

This weekend I am working at the Special Olympics in Long Beach, and thus missing out on the free tickets my wife just told me she got at work yesterday for the U.S. Open (ouch). But during those hour car-rides down and back, I will get to listen as all the L.A. sports radio guys' heads implode. I cannot wait to hear Vic the Brick Jacobs choke this one down. He may honestly be dead.

Of course the bad news in that the obnoxious Bostonians get to enjoy a title (it is a foregone conclusion now, right?), but I think it means less to them than the Patriots winning the Super Bowl would have, so I take considerable solace in the fact that my Giants screwed that up for them.

My Wardrobe Keeps Malfunctioning

On Monday I wore an orange Mets t-shirt, a white Mets jersey, a blue Mets cap and my new birthday Mets jacket. They stunk it up and left men on base in almost every inning. 5-2 loss.

On Tuesday I wore a black Mets jersey, a black Mets cap and my Mets jacket. They choked away a 4-1 lead and lost 5-4.

Today I will wear a Mets t-shirt and Mets visor. We'll see how it plays out.

But I am starting to think that what I wear to the games might not have any bearing on the outcome, and frankly that is not a world I want to live in.

---

I think Dirk Nowitski winning the MVP last year was a bigger crock, but I am disappointed in the NBA for choosing Kobe Bryant. He had another terrific year. He played through injury. The team wound up finishing first. He was probably the best player in the league. But if you replaced him with any of probably 5 guys, they result would have been similar. Interchange Kobe and LeBron and you'd have had the same results.

Put someone else in Boston to fill Garnett's shoes and see where they'd have finished. His presence on the team was worth about 10 wins, let alone his actual play. Garnett got robbed because he'd won it already and Kobe hadn't, just like Nash got robbed last year because he'd won it already and Dirk hadn't.

They should take all of the names out of the equation and have the voters look at the stats and the overall team performances. The Lakers won the West after making the playoffs last year with the addition of some all-stars. The Celtics tripled their win total and won the East after nearly imploding last year with the addition of two guys (and really only one was a really significant impact player.

Does this make the Laker fans look like brainless sheep or what? Remember that loud, boisterous "boo" for the man who wanted out on Opening Night? Pathetic. So Kobe won a lifetime achievement award and hopefully he'll stop being such an ass all the time (I won't hold my breath).

Kobe Is a Chucker, But It's Better Than Being A Statutory Rapist

Newsflash: Roger Clemens is a scumbag and a liar. If all of the years of throwing at people's heads, taking steroids and lying about both, and negotiating into contracts that he not travel with his teams weren't enough to convince you, now it appears that when he was 28, he began sleeping with a 15-year-old girl. He was married and the affair lasted 10-years. He denies every word of the story; she says every word is true. Does anyone buy his good 'ole country boy honesty in his steroid/lying to Congress story now - it's like Cush's dad saying his word is stronger than oak and then signing a contract with Bob Sugar the night before the draft.

Speaking of adulterers, I had to watch the Lakers-Nuggets game last night as the profanity censor for KCAL again and Kobe Bryant has not changed his one-man show at all. It is a popular thing to say he has grown up and sees he needs teammates now. Not even close. Before the game, Lamar Odom said in an interview that things in the clubhouse are better because they're winning. That's it.

The Lakers held a solid lead for basically the whole game. About mid-way through the third, the Lakers had an in bounds play, up by 6. They stacked up right in front of the ball and Kenyon Martin walked in and shoved his way in the middle of it. Kobe was obviously pissed and they did a close-up of his little "I am gonna make you pay" smile. Here is the succession of the his 5 plays:

Fall-away three pointer missed
Turnover (drove in and jumped up with no shot and no one to pass to, threw it out of bounds)
Fouls J.R. Smith shooting a 3 (Smith makes all three free throws and the game is tied)
Missed three pointer
Turnover (stolen while dribbling at the top of the key)

Yes, he went nuts and put together a 7-0 run that wound up winning the game, but all three shots in that run were early in the clock on isolation plays. He stops running the offense and takes over. If the shots fall like they did late in the game, he is a hero. But for the entire third and beginning of the fourth, the same ill-advised shots did not fall and the Nuggets climbed into the lead. This won't work against a good team.

Carmelo Anthony is now in league with the worst post-season performing superstars of all time. He fouled out of yet another playoff game. He made almost no contribution while he was in there besides a few big dunks (and one missed dunks that may have swung the entire fourth quarter). His career post-season record is 4-20 with five straight first-round exits. But at least he seems like a good guy off the court.

And when talking about epic chokes, how can I not mention that Barry Zito, the $126 Million Dollar Man, is now a middle reliever for the worst team in the league? Apparently the Giants are not happy with his 7.53 ERA, 0-6 record, 81 MPH fastball or the fact that opponents are hitting .338 off of him. When I think that the Mets went after him and lost out, then signed Johan Santana a year later with that money, I feel all warm inside. To his credit, Zito said all the right things after the move and I think he really is a good guy. I do hope he finds his stuff again.

Great Moments In Announcing: April 28, 2008 - Stu Lantz took about five minutes to explain to all the kids out there watching that if you jump into a person's chest, you will foul them. Instead you want to jump to one side or the other when you are running at a jump-shooter. He also explained that the key to the playoffs is getting out of the first round. Some would say it is defense, or foul shooting, or winning the championship, but modest, patently obvious goals are important too.

I try to do the right thing and serve my community, and I was really tempted to just hold down the mute button for the entire Laker game to spare Los Angeles from Stu's arrogance, stuttering and insanity. I would do that for the Dodger game tonight, but if Charlie Steiner is announcing, no one would notice anyway. No one allows more dead-air between sentences than Steiner. But at least when he does speak, he shows a deft grasp on not knowing anything about baseball.

NBA First Round Preview

The NBA Playoff match ups are finally ready for consumption. If I, or anyone else, cared about the Eastern Conference until the Pistons-Celtics series, I would discuss those series as well. But I don't, and neither does anyone but the family members of the players. So here is my flawless prognostication of the first round of the Western Conference playoffs:

1 Lakers vs. 8 Nuggets: I mentioned yesterday that this is the only match up in the West that stinks. The Lakers won't roll over the Nuggets, but the Nuggets will just find ways to lose. Traveling to Denver is tough because of the altitude and that will give them an advantage at home, but considering that the only Los Angeles basketball team to win a playoff series since Shaq emigrated was the Clippers, Kobe Bryant will make sure the Lakers win this one. And Denver can't play defense, so they can't stop the one-man Bryant show. Lakers in 6 (and that is being charitable to the Nuggets).

2 Hornets vs. 7 Mavericks: This is a tricky series because the Hornets have been front-runners for a long time this year and deserve the easy first round series, but there is no easy first round series, and they have absolutely zero playoff experience anyway. On the other side, you have Jason Kidd who may or may not be really good and Dirk Nowitski who is the same, but being a European, he will fold under pressure (born too close to France). If the Mavs can get the ball out of Chris Paul's hands like they did Wednesday night, the Hornets are screwed. And that is all the series comes down to. Defend Paul, Mavs win. If not, Hornets win. No way they can keep him down for four straight. Hornets in 7. Wouldn't it be great if Byron Scott then went and reminded Jason Kidd that it was Kidd who got Scott fired from New Jersey?

3 Spurs vs. 6 Suns: Is this the best first round match up in history? No question this series goes 7 games. Shaq and the Suns have been playing better and better as their season progressed, and the Spurs have been slowed a bit in the last weeks with Manu Ginobili hurt. However, I think if you give Tim Duncan seven times to find a way to beat someone, he will do it at least four of those seven times, every time, every opponent. I do not understand why Tony Parker is not subject to the European=soft equation, but somehow he escaped. Maybe Eva's Latin fire rubbed off on him. Spurs in 7 in a spectacular series. How sad that Shaq won't go further than Kobe again.

4 Jazz vs. 5 Rockets: The Rockets avoid a nightmarish road series in Utah because of an unusual rule change from a few years ago. Despite the Jazz being the higher seed, Houston has a better record by 1 game, and thus is awarded home court for the series. Utah was 37-4 at home this year, one of the losses was to Houston (opening night - doesn't really count). However, the only reason the paper-thin Rockets are in this situation is a freakish 22-game win streak. Without the streak, they are barely over .500. Put plainly, they won't win a game on Utah, so the question is: Can the Rockets go 4-0 at home? The answer is no. Utah in 5.

For posterity's sake, I will call the Spurs over the Jazz in the West Finals and the Celts over the Spurs in the Finals.

Yesterday I experienced the worst fantasy baseball day of all time. I had five starting pitchers, but only four spots for them so I had to bench on of them or a closer (Wagner, Papelbon and Rivera). I figured the Mets would blow out the Nats, so I benched Wagner, thus assuring a save between the other two who played each other. My starters' lines: Chien-Ming Wang 4 IP-8 earned runs, Tim Hudson 3 IP-4 earned runs, C.C. Sabathia 4 IP-9 earned runs, James Shields 5 IP-6 earned runs, and John Maine 6.2 IP-2 earned runs and a win. My closers: 0 IP. And Wagner, who I benched, got a perfect inning save with 1 K. This is why I do not pay for these leagues.

NFL Schedules Released, And Other Boring Stories

Tuesday's top stories were the Lakers winning the West, Pacman Jones continuing to be a jackass and the NFL schedule being released (yawn). Needless to say, I was not glued to the set for SportsCenter last night. Although the Sharks' come-from-behind win with 9-seconds to go in Calgary, David's Wright's single-handed demolition of the Nationals and the Ducks coming back to life did make me want to watch a little.

Ordinarily the team that wins a conference gains a gigantic advantage: they play a patsy in the first round and the get home court advantage. This year there is no real patsy, except maybe the Nuggets. The Lakers have wound up facing the Nuggets. In the regular season, the Lakers blew them out twice at Staples and won a close one at McNichols Arena (I know the Nuggets no longer play at McNichols Arena but I have always loved the name and am sticking with it). The Nuggets are the only team that has any a-hole power close to what Kobe Bryant brings to the court, so this series will basically be unwatchable. Kenyon Martin will definitely punch someone, Carmelo Anthony will foul out of at least three games and hide booze in his Gatorade bottles, Kobe Bryant will throw his hands out and make the "I-did-not-rape-that-girl" face no less than 8 times per game, Derek Fisher will win the series for the Lakers but not get noticed. Lakers in six because winning in Denver is tough, but the Nuggets are an implosion waiting to happen and can't beat a crappy 1-seed even if that team actually relies on Sasha Vujacic and Vladimir Radmanovich.

The Dallas Cowboys have apparently decided to abandon their "America's Team" moniker and are going after the "America's Slimiest Team" title instead. Perhaps they finally realized that everyone hates them. As if Jerry Jones existence was not gross enough, they signed Terrell Owens even after the incident at midfield at Texas Stadium. They then let Tony Romo fry for the totally innocent mistake of dropping a snap and losing a playoff game. Then again Romo crumbled down the stretch and got blamed for their losing this year. Then Romo went to Mexico with his girlfriend during the playoff by-week and took entirely too much flack for it...then they lost the following week (I had intended to show Romo was not at fault and gets blamed unfairly, but I think I proved myself wrong). Now they are going to trade half of the team in order to sign Pacman Jones, who isn't even allowed to play in the NFL because he keeps getting arrested.

Don't teams with white helmets all look like Jack's kid running around in those Jack-In-The-Box commercials? I love when the Titans play the Chargers.

The NFL released the schedules for 2008 and I can't remember if ESPN always makes this such a big deal or not - maybe it is just because they air Monday Night Football now. There was a live blog written as the schedules were released on the wires. There were bottom-line updates during programming. There was a whole prime time show dedicated to talking about it with reporters, columnists, coaches and players weighing in. Who cares? We have no clue what any of it means yet. They all say that the Giants' title defense depends on how they do in October based on the schedule. If I am not mistaken, the Super Bowl champion Giants were 0-2 and had been outscored 146 to -5 after the first two games last year. I'd say it is December and January that matters more. What is interesting is that because the AFC East was so incredibly bad last year, the Patriots' strength of schedule is by far the easiest in the NFL, and Jacksonville will play four games in 18 days in December. Actually, now that I think of it, that isn't really all that interesting. News is not news until it happens. The draft is not news because it takes a year or 5 for it all to shake out. The schedules are not news because who cares what your opponents were like last year? This is not an important story until about week 4 this upcoming season.

The Ducks and Sharks put the all-California Western Conference Final back in line yesterday with impressive wins. No Canadian team has won the Cup since Toronto was a fur-trading outpost, and if two California teams play one another for the chance to go to the Stanley Cup and then one of them wins it all for the second year in a row, I honestly think Canada might declare war on the United States.

David Wright was three-for-four with a homer and 5 RBI, and Jose Reyes was a homer shy of the Cycle. If I am not mistaken, the Mets questionable pitching staff has allowed the fewest runs in the league, and the "unreliable" Mike Pelfrey is 2-0 with a 1.50 ERA. Seven players are averaging at least one hit per game. Screw the Phillies.

NBA Season End Awards

This week Sports Illustrated gave out their choices for the NBA's big awards.

Executive of the Year went to Danny Ainge of the Celtics for pulling off the greatest off-season in sports history. I am OK with that choice. Although Elgin Baylor would be a close second for not making really any useful moves. A lot of G.M.'s would have tried to find players to replace the injured Elton Brand and Sean Livingston, but Baylor did the brave thing and brought in chumps, writing off the season.

SI's Coach of the Year is Byron Scott, which I also cannot argue with. And at this point, I would like to point out that Jason Kidd is a huge ass.

Most Improved goes to Hedo Turkoglu, but really who cares?

Sixth Man goes to Manu Ginobili, which is not fair since he would start on every team (including his own) if the coaches wanted him to. Actually, he would start on every National Team.

As I write all this and consider the remaining awards, I realize how truly little I care about the NBA and will skip the other awards except the following point:

SI gives the MVP to Kobe Bryant. I could not agree less. The writer writes, "Bryant gets the nod for being the league's top two-way player." But I always thought "MVP" stood for "Most Valuable Player," not "Top Two-Way Player." The guy is a basketball freak. He is incredible and besides his inability to dribble properly or complete a layup or dunk without traveling there is nothing he cannot do on a basketball court.

Actually there is. Bryant can't win without a big man. In game 1 this year, they were basically the same team that they were in game 82 last year - although they added Derrick Fisher. They came out strong with Andrew Bynum suddenly reborn thanks to Fisher's play. This created more openings for Bryant, since Bynum drew so much attention. The team was winning and suddenly Bryant had matured and was a team player.

Then Bynum went down and by absolutely everyone's account, the season was lost until management yanked Pau Gasol out of Memphis. The season was thus saved and Lakers raced to the top of the Conference. When Gasol got hurt, they slipped and regained ground after he came back.

Bryant is the best player in the league, but he is not the most valuable player on his team. In fact I think it could easily be argued that this year Kevin Garnett was the most valuable player in the history of the league. Possibly in the history of all of the Big Three sports (though I am not one for hyperbole)...has any other team ever won nearly 3 times their total from the previous season?

Finally, the fact that Selena Roberts' column now resides on Rick Reilly's hallowed back page every two weeks may be the greatest tragedy in the history of the written English language (no hyperbole here either).

Stop The Presses: Manny Legged Out A Triple

Manny Ramirez had a triple and Red Sox fans gave Bill Buckner a standing ovation. Seriously. Both of those things happened on the same day. No joke.

I didn't think I would be able to find anything else to write about today after that, but then I read that the Chinese government asked the American government to prevent protesters from interfering with the Olympic torch relay as it passes through San Francisco today. This story is wonderful on a number of levels.

When China asked the U.S. government to prevent protests from occurring when the torch gets to San Francisco, there had already been people staging huge demonstrations in San Francisco (hanging monstrous signs off of the cables on the Golden Gate bridge, for instance). Apparently China thinks the U.S. government doesn't allow legal demonstrations. And best of all, they expect people in the biggest hippy-peacenik city in the country to not protest for Tibet when literally the entire sports and political world is watching? The relay could not go through a worse/better U.S. city (depending on your point-of-view). This is a city that annually holds the world's biggest pillow fight.

I hope the people of San Francisco hold such a spectacular protest that the Chinese are scared into ending the Torch relay and the U.S. pulls out of the Olympic Opening ceremony. And I LOVE the idea of the Torch relay (though I admittedly cannot stand the Opening Ceremony).

Last night I worked at KCAL and had to watch the Lakers game. What is worse: watching a Laker game or listening to a Laker game? Tough call. NBA referees should be ashamed of themselves for the calls they do not make. Kobe Bryant simply cannot dribble without carrying-over. No one can make a layup or dunk or take a first step on a drive without traveling. Every one of them could punch a guy and spin around in disbelief if a foul called. It is sickening.

But the Lakers lost and Brandon Roy torched Kobe Bryant time after time, so it wasn't a total waste of time for me.

Note to NBA teams: if you make a three-pointer, on the next possession whoever gets the ball first between Sasha Vujacic, Vlad Radmonovich, and Jordan Farmar, will shoot a three-pointer to answer. It happens every single time.

Dick Vitale came out with his top five for college basketball in 2009. The season was over for maybe an hour before he taped it. And who knows what players will leave for the NBA before then. Screw Dick Vitale and screw ESPN for airing him.

Finally, I used to not care about the Phillies. They were just another NL East team. I hate them now. And while Baseball Tonight may be my favorite show on television, I cannot watch a single other game's highlights on days when the Mets lose. Those smug jerks and their game-winning hits. I hate them.