These Next 12 Months Are My Favorite Time of Year

As a pretty avid watcher of all sports, this time of year is pretty fantastic for me.  Starting with the run up to the NCAA tournament, then you have baseball Spring training, the Tourney, baseball's opening day, the start* of the NBA season and then postseason, NHL playoffs, the Grand Slams and golf's Majors, Tour de France, this year we had the Winter Olympics and we'll have the World Cup, then the baseball postseason pushes, NFL starts, October, "BCS is unfair" month, the bowls, and then the NFL playoffs and Super Bowl and then the NCAA bubble talk starts up again, and you sprinkle in various drafts, trades, free agency, scandals, other tournaments and events throughout this time.

OK, so as it turns out, it's pretty much the whole year.  But still, February/March always seems to be the start of it all somehow.  Maybe I am just a baseball/college basketball fan first and everything else follows? 

*in my world, the first 50ish games of the NBA are preseason and don't matter.  Then somewhere between the Super Bowl and the Final Four, the NBA gets going.  Ironically, most NBA players and management seem to feel the same way.

Sadly for me, this most magical time of year is overlapping a time when I simply cannot follow any of it very closely.  I've just moved to San Francisco (fun fact: everyone here hates the Lakers and Dodgers, just like me!) and didn't have TV for a couple of weeks (staying with non-sports people - did you know people really watch Jersey Shore?).  We finally got TV in our room, but now that I am moving out of my friends' basement into my new place, I will be without TV or the internet again for a few days...during this weekend of all weekends (though I would probably be this mortified pretty much every weekend). 

All that said, it has made it hard for me to write anything about sports, even though there have been so many things I wanted so badly to write about.  So here's a capsule of what I have watched over the past month or so:

-Canada's hockey fans inspire me to be a better sports fan in general - they collectively know the game at such a detailed level, they applaud the other team, they chanted "USA" at our women as they collected their silver medals.  Very impressive.  That said, I wish we'd broken every single one of their hearts.

-When someone says, "Oh, don't tell me what's happening in the Gold Medal Hockey game.  I am taping it and left it when we were down 2-1 with 9:00 to go."  Your response cannot be, "Oh, well it's in overtime now, so you will love it."  Dammit!

-Derek Anderson said after he was released that Browns fans are "ruthless."  "I will never forget getting cheered when I was injured. ... I know at times I wasn’t great. I hope and pray I’m playing when my team comes to town and (we) roll them."  People are very upset about this and he issued an apology.  What should he have said?  "I will miss the loyal and wonderful Browns fans, especially the ones who cheered when I got injured.  I look forward to coming back here with a new team and I hope the Browns crush us."  Kudos to him for saying what he really meant and really not being all that offensive anyway.  Derek, you can keep the balls dry for Eli Manning anyday...just stay off the field. 

-Mike Dunleavy got canned as Clippers GM and found out about the move because a reported from ESPN asked him what he thought of it.  The Clips then went out and lost by 30 that night.  That pretty much sums up everything you need to know about them.

-The Jets, who have the best corner in football, just got one of the best corners in football to play on the other side.  That pretty much sums up the opposite of everything you thought you knew about them.

-The NFL Combine happened.  People ran and jumped.  Al Davis decided to draft the fastest person there with the Raiders' first pick.

-Speaking of the fastest person there, my mom (Hall of Famer, Kathy Bergen) set two World Records and an American Record at a Masters track meet a few weeks ago.  Incidentally, I really feel that she should now sign her name, "Kathy Bergen, Legend" as though it is a masters degree or a doctorate or something.

-Some race car driver got angry and ran down and crashed into another race car driver repeatedly until he wrecked because he was mad at him.  NASCAR gave the guy a three week probation, so apparently the penalty for attempted murder in the South is no longer jail.  NASCAR has seen it's popularity wane in the last few years, so they decided to allow drivers to police themselves more and let these types of things be handled on the track.  In other words, they feel that having people run into one another at 150 miles an hour will draw in more fans.  This seems a little far-fetched to me because I didn't think demolition derbies were that popular.  Maybe they just haven't been going fast enough.  This will probably be less fun when people start dying.

-The Winter Olympics presented a whole slew of events that made me look again at the Definition of Sport.  The Sport vs. Non-Sport lists grew as well.  Stay tuned.

-A women's college basketball player socked another one.  Also Connecticut's women have just set the record for longest winning streak.  Some folks say these things should make me want to take interest in women's college basketball.  Somehow women fighting means they've reached a certain level of legitimacy and passion.  And UConn's excellence supposedly shows that women can play on a really high level.  Frankly, all this makes me think is that some girl is a thug and the sport is more of a joke than ever since one team can win their games by an average of 30 points all season.  I've said it before, but I don't watch women's basketball because they are not as fast or athletic as men's basketball players.  That's not sexist, it's science (thanks Ron Burgundy).  I don't watch minor league baseball either, because it is not as good a game as major league baseball.  I also don't watch the Raiders for the same reason, and even if Tom Cable punched an assistant coach, I still wouldn't.  Oh, that happened?  Ok, I'll YouTube it.

-Milton Bradley, who signed with the Mariners this offseason, said it wasn't his fault that he kept getting into trouble when he was on the _______ (insert team here).

There are many, many more, but I need to find a job and there's only so much time I can spend on this crap.

The Bulletproof Definition of "Sport," Vol. II

As Commissioner of Sports, I once drew up a map of my domain called the Bulletproof Definition of "Sport." This definition was challenged thrice this weekend, so it seems time to re-publish the list with some streamlining and a few minor updates.

A competition must satisfy both rules to qualify.

Rule 1: All Sports require athletic competition.
Feats of strength and the mere exertion of physical force are not the same as athleticism. Athleticism is a combination of physical skills (strength, finesse, quickness, speed, stamina, agility) as well as mental (strategy, guile, knowledge). If there is no athletic-aspect, it cannot be a Sport. Weightlifting takes great strength but is not a Sport, just as lifting a heavy bag of groceries is not.

Rule 2: The result of a Sport is determined objectively, not by judges.
Downhill skiing is a sport because it satisfies both rules 1 and 2, but a moguls competition is not because while it is nearly the same, the winner is determined by a combination of finishing time and style points determined by judges.


While not officially rules, there are several other clarifications and guidelines that are in the running to become formal Rules but all the kinks have not yet been hammered out of them.

Clarification of Rules 1 and 2: Sports require athleticism; athleticism doesn't require Sport-hood.
An important distinction is that just because a competition requires athleticism doesn't mean it is a sport (like figure skating, diving, gymnastics, and skateboarding).

Clarification of Rule 2: Officials may enforce rules, not determine scoring.
The key here is objectivity. A common argument against Rule 2 is that officials make rulings in nearly every type of competition, even those commonly accepted as Sports (like baseball, football, and basketball). However, to be a sport the winner must not be chosen by officials, rather they must only ensure that the rules are followed. While a foul called in the last .2 may lead to game-winning free throws being made or missed, the athletes still either make or miss the free throws. And while officials may determine whether a ball goes over a fence, through the uprights, or across a goal line, those determinations are more or less objective (admittedly with the potential for human error). Deciding which athlete performed most excellently is completely subjective. The clock or scoreboard is still objective.

Guideline A: A Sport cannot be played while sitting.
This provides further support for Rule 1, and clearly eliminates such obvious events as poker, car racing, and video games. There are several problems with this guideline however. Wheelchair sports clearly are Sports, but this guideline would seem to preclude them. Cycling, bobsledding (and other such sports) would also seem to be ruled out undeservedly given that the athletes provide the brunt of the momentum to their vehicles, rather than a motor.  Horse racing a tricky call because the rider is just a passenger to some extent.

Guideline B: A Sport cannot be competed with a motor.
This also precludes car racing and many type of boat racing as well, but not sailboat racing such as the America's Cup, which clearly follows both Rules.

Guideline C: A Sport must include a human competitor.
Dog racing, animal fights, and other competitions contested without humans do not qualify, no matter how athletic the competitors may be, nor how objective the results are.

Guideline D: All competitors must know they are competing.
Bull riding, calf roping, and hunting are not sports because the animals in question are not aware they are competing. The instinct for self-preservation is not the same as competing. Horse racing does appear to qualify because in this case, the animals often do seem to be aware that they is competing and trying to win.

(Guideline E: Age matters.)
It has been suggested that if it can be played as well by an athlete of 45 as an athlete of 25, it is not a sport.  There are cases where this seems viable, but it is simply too subjective. What ages should be used as the measuring stick? There are too many cases of athletes being at the tops of their sports well into their 40's, especially golf.  And does a singular extraordinary performance by a person of age disqualify an entire sport? If not, how many extraordinary performances are too many? There is some value in a rule such as this, and it could help clarify Rule 1, which already infers that youth is of value in a Sport.  But since it is too hard to pin down specific ages, it is currently an unofficial guideline.


Check back this week for The Sports List and the Not-A-Sport List.