Mind-Blowing Underperformers Of The Week

I suppose at this point, no one should be surprised at what Tim Wakefield's pitching looks like. The guy is the only pitcher in the league who throws pitches that are the same velocity as his age. We all know that when a knuckleball is working, it is near-unhittable and when it is not, well let's just say it's hittable, and the pitcher seems to have little or no control over whether it is working or not. None of this is new and I have seen Wakefield pitch probably 30+ times, and yet I watched in utter amazement last night at his pitching.

Without any exaggeration whatsoever, Wakefield looked like a high school coach throwing batting practice. If this was the home run derby, they'd ask him to throw harder. Watching him on a bad night makes me think without question that I could have been a big league hitter, or pitcher for that matter. Watching everyone else makes me realize I couldn't have been a varsity high school hitter.

I like to listen closely for the real train wreck moments for announcers, and Chip Caray has really put himself head-and-shoulders above his colleagues in this area during his career. In Game 3, Paul Byrd came in as the long-man to relieve Jon Lester. At one point Caray said, "In a lost cause for Boston, Paul Byrd is doing some valuable work." Never mind that he had given up a three-run homer in the previous inning that blew the game wide open, nor that he gave up a solo shot on the next pitch after Caray said that line (apparently reading from the play-by-play announcers' handbook). Byrd was doing valuable work, but it was for Tampa Bay.

In Game 4, the Rays erupted for back-to-back homers off of Wakefield in the first inning. The second one was hit over the Green Monster, over the Monster seats, over the ad-banner above the seats, over the camera that is at the height of the top of the foul pole, and out into the night. To say the least, it was a bomb. Caray's call: "That one's got a chance!" Yeah, a chance to land in Connecticut!

After Juan Pierre started in center field for the Dodgers in Game 4 of the NLCS (seriously, that happened), and considering that tonight will be the Dodgers' final game, I thought that today would be a good day to break down Andruw Jones' season from a financial point-of-view. Sadly, the Dodgers had to fake a season ending injury for Jones to save face for himself and the organization, so his statistics don't quite add up to a full season's worth...but his paychecks still do!

Keep in mind that he was brought in for top dollar after a dismal offensive season last year in the hopes that he would bolster the Dodgers' power numbers. Enjoy:

Batting Average: .158
2008 Salary: $14,726,910
$ per Game Started: $267,762 (55 starts)
$ per At Bat: $70,463.68 (209 AB's)
$ per Home Run: $4,908,970 (3 homers)
$ per RBI: $1,051,922.14 (14 RBI)
$ per Run Scored: $701,281.42 (21 runs)
$ per Hit: $446,270 (33 hits)
$ per Extra Base Hit: $1,227,242.50 (8 doubles, 1 triples, 3 homers)
$ per Pitch Faced: $14,409.89 (1022 pitches)
$ per Donut Eaten: $.04 (368,172,750 donuts*)
Another stat of note: three times as many K's (76) as walks (27).

*-Donut stat is approximate.

I Still Hate Baseball, But Football Is Making Me Happy

It has been tough to bring myself to writing about sports lately because of my utter disgust at the way the baseball postseason has gone. Not only did the Mets not make it, but the Brewers embarrassed themselves in the Mets' place, and now I have either the Dodgers or Phillies to root for...both of which are among my five least favorite teams in the game. I could also root for the Rays of course, but they are in deep trouble even after winning game 2.

When the final pitch was thrown in Game 1 of the ALCS and the Red Sox had won it on the road in Tampa Bay, I said to a co-worker, "well there's your World Series champ." He told me that it was a little early to say that and the memory of him cursing the Dodgers' season months ago flushed back into my memory. I looked through my sports-notes that I write and found the game.

The Dodgers trailed 2-1 in the 7th inning and were 2-games behind the Diamondbacks at the time. There were 54 games left. I hadn't been watching and asked him the score and he said in all seriousness, "Who cares? They suck. It's all over." This is the voice of reason telling me I am jumping to conclusions about the Red Sox winning the World Series after winning Game 1 of the ALCS on the road.

It is funny watching the playoffs from a relatively neutral observer's position. When Steve Phillips described Brett Myers Game 2 game-winning, 2rbi single as a "Chris Evrett two-hand backhand down the line," I thought to myself how much I would hate him at that moment if I gave a damn about that game.

Sometimes I think that the TV stations are having contests to see who are the least knowledgeable, least well-spoken, most arrogant people they can put on the screen and still get ratings. It is like a social experiment to find out if the sports are really important enough for us to watch despite being angered at their incompetence the entire time. Seriously, how else can you account for Chip Caray, Stu Lantz, Shannon Sharpe and DeMarco Farr's careers?

On the lighter side, the Redskins and Cowboys both lost in painful and embarrassing ways this weekend, and the Eagles narrowly escaped another tough loss. And the Giants are now everyone's favorite team. This does scare me a bit because being the one that no one respected fit their team psyche well and this is a new mode all-together. But this Giants team doesn't seem like the type to have an ego-induced collapse. A huge win over the Browns tonight will make me happy. No one seems to be mentioning it, but the Giants are the team that pretty much destroyed the Browns' season earlier this year.

If you remember, the Browns were one of the up-and-comers last year and actually had more Pro Bowlers than the Giants did. Big things were expected from the great Derek Anderson, the warrior Kellen Winslow, and the talented trio of Brylon Edwards, Donte Stallworth and Jamal Lewis. They were going to score a lot of points and have a bruising, physical defense. Then they went to New York and the Giants surged out to a 30-3 lead early in the second quarter and knocked Anderson out before before pulling their starters. Then the city of Cleveland sunk meekly into Lake Eerie.

Of course, they could be out for revenge and could ruin the Giants 19-0 season tonight back in Cleveland. The Browns are coming off of a bye week and at 1-3, this is pretty much a must-win if they want to play in January at all. But for the Giants, they are two-up in the loss column and have almost already made the playoffs. But I don't see the upset happening. Anderson has thrown twice as many picks and touchdowns and his longest completion of the year was barely a first down. Winslow has just been released from the hospital after an undisclosed illness (that allegedly had to do with one of two reproductive organs and the term "grapefruit sized"). Jamal Lewis has one touchdown and is averaging a little over three yards-per-carry. All of which has culminated in the defense spending more time on the field than Chad Johnson has spent coming up with touchdown celebrations that he doesn't get to use.

Giants 27-Browns 13