Who's More Stoned Right Now: Big Brown Or Joakim Noah?

Now that the Spurs are finally, mercifully eliminated, has anyone noticed how much Kurt Thomas looks like that dude from the Snickers commercial where the guy is playing guitar and singing the "prancing nuget in the meadows" song? (click here to watch) Here they are:


Maybe it's just me but I honestly could not watch a Spurs game without humming that song to myself. And I don't know why but I think it is wierd that the guitar player is lefthanded.

The Mets crushed the Dodgers yesterday, which was nice. You always hear that certain players struggle or really play well against certain teams, but it never made sense to me. Why does Brad Penny suck so amazingly badly against the Mets and then is a Cy Young-type against everyone else? In his career against them, he has probably pitched to 100 different Mets players, and no matter who is wearing the uniform, they hit off of him. Doesn't make sense. (Note how badly I am working to avoid making a crappy pun on Brad Penny's worth when he plays the Mets)

In reverse, why does David Wright kill the Dodgers (highest batting average against the Dodgers of any player in 50 years!), or Larry Jones kill the Mets? Again it is not as though it has all been against the same 3-4 pitchers. Confidence is the answer I guess, but it still is beyond reason.

The college baseball playoffs start today (Div. I) and I am happy to say that my alma mater is ranked 7th in the country! This would really be great if they didn't get absolutely hosed on their tourney draw. The way the first round of the baseball playoffs work is that teams are groups geographically and play four-team double elimination tournaments. Example: Day one: A beats B, C beats D. Day 2: A beats C and B beats D. That makes two losses for D and they are out. A has two wins, B and C have one each. Day 3: B and C play with the losing being eliminated and the winner faces A for the Regional Championship. The next round is the Super Regional where teams play a best 2 out 3 series against another Regional Champ. That leaves eight Super Regional Champs and they play two 4-team double elimination tourneys (just like first round). Winners in each side of the bracket play a best of three series for the title.

Confused?

Would it make it clearer if I said that there is no clear ranking in baseball - there are three widely viewed polls (Baseball America, Writers, and USA Today/ESPN). Also the whole tournament is not seeded - only the top 8. And although USD is the highest ranked team in their Regional, they drew the #2 seed and have to play on the road. Depending on the poll, USD is 11/7/10th. Host and #1 seed Long Beach State is 25/18/unranked. #3 seed Berkeley (who USD plays today) is 15/22/19th. How does the #7 team in the country not get to host? How does the third best team get the top seed and get to play at home? How do three top 25 schools have to play one another in the first round? There will be 16 teams left after the first round, so statistically, if only 1 out of 3 top 25 schools can advance, we will have 8 ranked schools left and 8 unranked. There is no way that more than two ranked schools should be in any one Regional bracket, regardless of how far they have to travel to make it work.

Of course, the Toreros should be able to beat up Fresno State and can certainly win 2 out of three against Long Beach State and Cal. so all of this whining may not matter.

"Get Out Here You Panda-Jerk"

Thursday night's Lakers-Spurs game is on TNT, which means that we will see commercials for that show House of Payne at pretty much every commercial break. I have never seen this show, because I have never seen a clip in the ubiquitous commercials that was funny, but then that show is not made for me, because I am educated.

The reason I bring this up is that every time I see these commercials, and I remember when this show was first coming out, the big selling point has always been that it is "from the mind of Tyler Perry." Who the hell is Tyler Perry and how is he a brand in the comedy world? The only other times I have heard ads like this were for the National Lampoon movies, the American Pie movies and the Monty Python movies and shows. Who is Tyler Perry?

I looked him up on IMDB to see if there is something he has done that is noteworthy that gives his name the weight that TBS apparently thinks it has. For instance, National Lampoon, American Pie and Monty Python were comedy giants at some point (before all spiraling into miserable franchises). This IMDB search only confused me more.

The guy has no credits to his name before 2002 when he wrote Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Since then, he has written, directed and produced five other projects and all of them have "Tyler Perry's" in the titles. So at least he is not obsessed with himself. The amazing thing is, it is not just that I am out of touch and that the guy is a genius. According to IMDB, of his six projects, the highest rated one was a 5.1 out of 10 (Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman). Other than that they rated 3.8, 3.7, 3.4, 2.3 and 1.1. The best part is that his show, Tyler Perry's House of Payne, which TBS bills as it's flagship sitcom is the one rated 1.1!

I think the thing that makes him "famous" is that he plays multiple roles in his movies (no ego here at all) including the recurring character of "Madea" the big, fat, angry, black lady - which is always comedy gold (just ask Martin Lawrence or Eddie Murphy).

And speaking of Eddie Murphy and multiple role-movies, is there a script that he will turn down? I understand that he is making money on these loads of crap, but doesn't he have any self respect? He is currently working on his 10th Shrek-related project, his train wreck Inner Space rip-off is coming out soon and despite and Oscar nomination for Dreamgirls (totally undeserved), he just keeps doing terrible movies in which he plays as many roles as possible, none of them funny in the least.

Where have you gone Billy Ray Valentine? What happens to comedians when they gets older? Eddie Murphy is 47 and all the funny is dead already. Steve Martin was too intelligent for his own good and just melted into a serious version of himself. Chevy Chase, oh Chevy Chase. Bill Murray is still pretty freaking funny. Even Bill Cosby is a sad reflection of himself. I saw him live last year year doing stand up in Reno and all he talked about was his shoes. It was the saddest night of my life.

In a world of funny people not being funny anymore, at least we can rely on Paul Rudd though. No matter how bad a movie may be that is going on around him (Over Her Dead Body) or how good (Anchorman), the man is consistently the funniest thing on the screen. In Brian Fantana, I trust.

Referees Decide Finish By Not Deciding Finish

Clearly the play at the end of the Lakers-Spurs game was a foul. But it is basketball tradition that that foul won't be called in that situation. The thinking here is that you don't want the refs to decide the game. This thinking is flawed because by not calling a clear violation, didn't they decide the game?

Wouldn't it have been Derek Fisher who helped decide the game by biting on a pump fake and jumping into the ball handler/shooter? Wouldn't it have been Brent Barry who decided the game by drawing the foul and then having to knock down the free throws? Wouldn't it have been a Laker who decided the game when they got the ball back after the potentially made free throws?

If a guy jumps up and lands on another it is a foul. Should an umpire not call a third strike if a batter doesn't swing in the ninth inning because he wants to make sure the players decide the finish? Should a referee not throw a flag on a clip on an overtime kick return? Should a hockey referee allow a last second, game-winning goal that is thrown in? The rules are the rules. There should be no superstar rules, no playoff rules, and no last-second rules.

I thought that almost everyone handled this no-call well however. Greg Popovich said that it was not a foul and that he is not upset with the officials. Barry said that you can't call that there and took the blame himself. Phil Jackson quoted 3rd century Taoist philosophy or something but I think his point was that it probably was a foul and that he is glad his team was the beneficiary of the no-call (but that plays like this happen throughout the game and we're only talking about it because it was the last one). The consensus was that it should have been called but was not and in that situation, one cannot fault the refs. The Spurs had 47 minutes at 57 seconds before that to make one more shot and have that play not matter.

Then there was Kobe Bryant. Craig Sager, staring off into space rather than at his interview subject, asked Kobe about the play and with his adorable little smirk he said and repeated, "that wasn't a foul," as though His Eminence knew something that all the rest of us didn't (even though we'd seen the play in slo-mo from four angles at this point). He is a bad loser (remember his "there is no way I will play for the Lakers next year - I'd rather play on Pluto" comment or his famous quitting-job in game 7 against the Suns?) And he is a bad winner as this episode shows. I usually don't wish injury on anyone but...well I don't think I have to finish this sentence.

And seriously, what the hell is with Craig Sager's suits? Is it that he has given up on being an intelligent person known for his interesting and insightful interview questions and instead just wants to be remembered for anything at all? The way the guy stares off into space when he is doing interviews and the way he dresses makes me think that he may actually be blind and whoever dresses him hates him.

Finally, can we now move on from the idea that Sasha Vujacic is a great defender and has shut down Manu Ginobili? In three games Ginobili has stunk, but he went nuts in the other one. Vujacic guarded him in all four. If you do a test four times in the same beaker and get different results each time, it wasn't the beaker causing the change! If you still believe that Vujacic is a great defender and not just another annoying, flopping, soft, European whiner, you need look no further than his "defense" of Tony Parker on a fast break with about 3:30 to go in the third quarter of game 4.

He backpedaled into the lane as Parker came at him. Then Vujacic stopped and tried to set his feet to draw a charge. He prepared for the contact and then just flew backwards onto his butt when he expected Parker to be there. It looked like Parker had pulled a Frodo and vanished right in front of Vujacic's eyes. I watched it like 10 times. Parker had faked him out so bad that Vujacic flopped despite Parker not being within 5 feet of him. Classic. I found it on another site so click here to watch (sorry if they take it down).

Today is a pretty big sports day with the Pistons going back to Boston for the all-important game 5. This one will decide the series. And the Red Wings go to Pittsburgh for the Stanley Cup game 3. If Detroit wins, that series is over of course as well. And the US is in London playing England in soccer which doesn't matter for a number of reasons (it is soccer, it is not in a tournament or qualifier), but it would still be nice to beat England's butt again. We could get Thierry Henry come and play for us and it would be just like the Revolutionary War.