Daniel Tosh On Soccer

Daniel Tosh nicely summed up what most Americans think of soccer on his Comedy Central show, Tosh.0 this week.  He was responding to a well-traveled video of a goalie who did cartwheels just before a penalty kick in an attempt to distract the shooter.  Needless to say, the shooter scored very easily and then did cartwheels around the goalie as he walked off the field in shame. 

Here's Tosh on soccer:

"[The goalie,] Nana thought that psych-out routine would help in the goal, but nothing can help me care about soccer.  'Oh, it's the most popular sport in the world to play!'  Probably because it's cheap to play.  It only takes a ball.

"But once every four years America pretends to care about it.  And yes, I called it 'soccer.'  Don't correct me because I don't care what they call it in other lands; I speak American.  Sorry world, we already have football, and it's way better. It's played by 300 pound men for 8 seconds at a time.  Not five-foot-six-inch fairies lightly jogging for three hours, or however long your game is.  Buy a scoreboard.

"It's hard for me to get into a sport that I mastered at the age of seven.  Excuse me for not being able to get revved up for this corner kick that never works.  Hurray!  The game ends without a single goal!  I wanna kill myself when an NBA team doesn't break 100.

"Maybe there'd be more scoring if they weren't flopping all the time.  Hey hooligans, instead of killing players that screwed up, can you murder the ones that fall down crying because their toe got stepped on?

"The only thing good about soccer is the movie Ladybugs.  That's a classic.  Don't try to redo it Hollywood.

"I love women's soccer; it's a beautiful game.  And America is actually good at it.  Probably because we're the only country that allows women to wear shorts.  But it's nice to have an activity that terrorist countries can excel at.  Enjoy your fifteen minutes, Algeria.  Then go back to being #1 at car bombs.

"Yes or no?  The only reason you're beating us is because our best athletes are playing real sports.  You think LeBron James might make an OK goalie?"

So the man rambles a bit and his train of thought seems to get derailed here and there, but you have to respect a man that calls out an entire nation as terrorists and also gives props to Rodney Dangerfield in nearly the same breath.